"Things have not gotten worse."
"Excuse me? Can you please repeat that?"
"Your hip looks the same as it did in October. No further deterioration noted."
This may be the first time in my loooong history with orthopedic surgeons that I have received a positive update about one of my joints.
I brace myself for every ortho appointment, expecting the worst, but always hoping for less than worst, but never hoping for the best. That may sound a little pessimistic, but as you know, my history does not lend itself to best case scenarios when it comes to the health of my joints.
In fact, I distinctly remember one gruff ortho with zero bedside manner utter, "This is the worst knee cartilage I've ever seen. It's just horrible cartilage."
Um, okay? But I have so many other redeeming qualities.
Regardless, Monday's ortho appointment marks an important date in my joint cartilage "journey." My left hip has been stable for more than 6 months after cartilage degeneration was detected. So that's cool. Typically, once the cartilage begins to deteriorate, it's a few months before everything falls into grade IV cartilage defect territory, requiring a joint replacement ASAP.
Aside: At this point, I do qualify for a hip replacement and experience some pain on a daily basis, but I'm managing it well, and opted to receive a hip injection last Monday. Hopefully the injection will improve joint function, with a goal of delaying a replacement until pain and mobility are impacting my life in significant ways.
I've considered investigating the genetic cause of this cartilage disease. A few doctors have suggested that I do so, not in hopes of finding a cure, but more so to educate and inform myself. There's always the possibility of finding something that slows the disease process down. I've contemplated this for years but have run into some obstacles. After reaching out to a dozen or so medical centers and hospitals that specialize in cartilage disorders across the world, only one center expressed that they might be able to help, stating that they required all of my medical records and images from the past 47 fricken years. It just seemed like a lot of work. Okay, let's be perfectly honest, I obviously didn't want to investigate my weird disease, or I would have pushed harder.
Delving deeper into cartilage diseases is not good for me, both mentally and physically. I've observed a correlation with deep diving and pain. If I spend too much time researching and discussing cartilage diseases with other cartilage "warriors" (I do not relate to this term. I am not fighting a disease. I am living with it), my pain increases. It's part of my pain cycle, which has taken me years to understand and accept.
Also, I don't want to relive it all again. Once I begin the process, I would be required to discuss the symptoms, surgeries, medications, etc. I just don't want to do that. I've worked through the past with my psychologist, I'm focusing on the present, and I don't think that it's healthy for me to dwell on the past.
So that's that. I will likely never know the origin of this cartilage disease. And I'm cool with that.
Now...can we please get back to this new and exciting news about my hip?
I am like a walking science experiment, people! What changes have I made to positively affect this particular joint? Why is the left hip not following in the knees and right hip's path? (Thank you, left hip, for paving your own way!) Some friends have asked if I've started a new supplement or had a new injection. Nope.
Let's take a look at what has changed in the past 1-2 years:
1) Job Change
This is a BIG change. Although I loved the kiddos and really enjoyed my colleagues, I woke up every day in panic mode, wondering what the hell would happen on that particular day. I felt like I had very little control, especially when it came to the physical demands of each particular day. I wasn't sure if I would be chasing wayward children through parking lots or sitting for hours at desk.
My current job allows me to choose the hours that I will work and the clientele that I will work with. I wake up every morning knowing exactly what the physical demands will be, and I allow myself time rest between clients.
2) Psychotherapy
Although I've worked with my psychologist for many years, I did hypnotherapy for the first time this year in an attempt to end the horrible surgery nightmares that were leading to nightly panic attacks.
The hypnotherapy has been effective in completely stopping the nightmares. I haven't had a panic attack in 5 months!
3) Meditation:
I participated in a mindfulness and meditation course and although I'm no Julia Roberts during the "pray" section of a very long movie, I now feel a pull to meditate daily. Where meditation was something that I felt I had to check off the list, I now crave a good 15-minute meditation. When I'm experiencing pain, I feel like I benefit from the meditations on the Curable app that are specific to pain. I've had a few meditation sessions bring my pain down from a 7/10 to a 5/10. Mindfulness has also contributed to feeling more present in all aspects of my life.
4) Connections:
I've stated that my goal this year was to seek and strengthen connections. From anniversary parties to special visits from family and friends to fabulous weekend getaways and well-thought-out speech therapy sessions with clients and Katie readings with the kids, my type-A must be best childhood self feels like I deserve an A+ for this particular goal. How does this correlate to cartilage health? I'm not sure exactly, but connecting has brought me so much joy and satisfaction.
5) Physical Activity:
Although I haven't really changed my routine at the gym (I typically work out 5 days a week, weights, elliptical, walking, and Pilates), I added more stand-up paddling and recently, e-foiling, to my routine. These particular activities require more core engagement, and for the number of times I'm wiping out on the e-foil, activation of all the muscles required to stand up on a moving board! Some might hypothesize that this could lead to more cartilage damage, but the images say otherwise. I think the greatest benefit of increased activity has been the positive effect on my mental health. I spent so many years feeling like I couldn't participate in activities like everyone else. It feels good to challenge myself with a new activity and legitimately enjoy myself while I do so.
6) Downtime:
In my previous job, my downtime felt more like a crash. I often returned from work, crashed hard on the couch with pain medication, and indulged in Bravo for hours at a time.
Now that I don't feel the need to crash, I spend more downtime writing. I typically spend about 3-5 hours a week sipping my cup of tea and writing stories and ideas for new stories on my laptop. It makes me happy. I feel a rush of endorphins when I write, similar to the rush that I feel when I'm with friends! Isn't that cool? Also, without the pain medication, everything is clearer.
Don't get me wrong, I still indulge in hours of Bravo; however, it's definitely less, and I'm fully experiencing the wrath of Ciara and the awkward "ear stuff" (Summer House! Anyone??) instead of zonking out, comatose on the couch.
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| Katie made it to her namesake in Costa Rica! |
That concludes my list of things that have changed in my life during the last 1-2 years.
I totally understand how the above would change my pain levels; however, I'm still a bit perplexed as to how those changes possibly correlate to a sudden stop in cartilage deterioration. It's so interesting to me!
My hypothesis:
Overall, due to the above changes in my life, my nervous system is about a third as nervous as it was 2 years ago. Sleeping peacefully is a game changer. I think that the combo of what I've learned in therapy, along with meditation, physical activity, and writing has helped control the spiraling thoughts that I often experienced. My days are more joyful, and I just feel more chill. I spend way less time looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next ball to drop. Full disclosure: I am still the high-strung, worrying, people-pleasing Kirstie, but at like a medium level, as opposed to, you know, the upper DANGER DANGER level.
There is more and more research connecting the nervous system to disease. The research talks about a prolonged state of sympathetic activation (flight or fight), which can lead to so many health conditions - perhaps my cartilage disease? Let's be honest, I was a poster child for sympathetic activation since the day I was born (ulcer at age 12, anyone? anyone?)
I'm not a doctor, but if you suffer from chronic pain, I highly recommend investigating ways that you can regulate your nervous system. Honestly, if you would have told me this 10 years ago, I would have told you to F off, as I was so focused on finding a cure or an "end" for the disease. I wasn't in a place to receive this. If someone suggested that I meditate more, I would have kicked him in the face with my very horrible knee cartilage.
However, I am now a scientific experiment with surprising results, so exploring ways to regulate your nervous system might be worth a try.
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| nervous system: regulated. |
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