So I got rocked by the "which end??" flu this weekend. If you don't know that specific type of flu, I will spare you the grotesque details, other than to paint a lovely little scenario. Picture this: your body is telling you that something terrible is about to happen so you rush to the bathroom only to be greeted by the smug porcelain grin of the toilet, "Well hello there, Ms. Lindsay! Nice of you to join us at such an hour! Will you be sitting or kneeling this morning?" You realize that you have mere seconds to make a very. important. decision. No one should ever ever be faced with this decision! This is the "which end?" flu, and it is one of the rudest thing that your body can do to you.
As I endured about 54 hours of sick (yes, I counted every. single. hour.), it occurred to me that I was on a journey through 5 predictable stages on the flu timeline. Allow me explain the 5 stages of the flu, to which I am sure you can all relate:
1) Survival
The survival stage of the flu is the initial violent entry into flu-ville. As horrific things are happening to your body, you initially wonder whether this is, in fact, how it all ends. You question whether major organs have been ejected from your body and if a 9-1-1 call is even feasible at this point in time. You tightly grasp the toilet seat/bathtub/cat's tail, quietly beg for mercy, and hang on for the ride.
2) Denial
Once the violent phase of the flu appears to be diminishing, you begin to reflect on what caused the sudden and shocking sick. You secretly hope for food poisoning, which is a temporary hell, and begin messaging all of the friends with whom you've recently dined, "Anyone get sick from that sushi last night?" You begin to panic as your friends reply with, "Sorry bud. Feeling fine (sad-faced emoji, green sick face emoji)." Dammit. The horribly selfish part of you was secretly hoping that you could lament over falling asleep on the toilet with your face in a garbage can with someone...anyone? This is also the stage when mass exodus occurs within your home - loved ones gingerly slide you Tylenol under the door and flee the country.
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| Evan fled to Austin. Biloxi, fearing that I would die without feeding him first, snuck into Evan's carry-on. |
3) Acceptance
Once the fever and chills settle in, you begin to accept your reality. You do, in fact, have a flu. Your friend just messaged you that she's heard it's a 48 hour bug, so you set your alarm and settle in for 40 more hours. No worries. You create a lovely little bed out of towels on your bathroom floor, at the end of your porcelain lifeline. Who knew that your bathroom floor could be so cozy? And those cool floor tiles feel heavenly on your fevered face. You begin celebrating small successes, "I haven't puked in about an hour so maybe the worst is over?" You've been meaning to cut back calories this week, and today you've managed to eliminate...well about 1500 calories from your day. Wow, think about how great you will look in your bikini next week!
4) Anger
Once the situation has calmed down a bit and you are no longer making split second kneeling/sitting decisions, the anger begins to build within you. Who did this to you? You rack your brain, imagining each and every
5) Triumph
You successfully digest a bowl of rice and message everyone you know, "I ate rice! I ate rice!" You remain upright for more than 15 minutes and nothing falls out! You open up the blinds and let the sunshine flood into your room. You throw your sheets into the washer and properly wash your face - it's time to rid all evidence of the sick. Sure you're a little worse for wear. You will need to make an appointment with the chiropractor to get that rib back in place...but...you conquered the which end flu! You are a survivor. You have successfully defeated the enemy. Rejoice!
Cheers to surviving the flu!
