Hypnosis, Mr. Dressup, and Swift parTAYS!

 Hey friends!

It's been such a busy month, full of awesomeness that I can't wait to share with you.

Hypnotherapy

Firstly, I promised that I would follow up with the hypnotherapy experience.

As you know, my psychologist is a trained hypnotherapist and suggested that it might help with these horrible surgery nightmares that were causing me to wake up in the middle of the night in a full panic attack. 

Because my psychologist has known me for 2 years, she produced a script that was fully tailored to my thoughts, experiences, fears etc. She read this script while I was hypnotized, with the goal of accessing my subconscious mind and reframing my emotional responses. 

I was totally game for anything that would stop the nightmares, so I went in with an open mind, but as I felt myself slipping under, I felt scared and initially fought it, attempting to stay alert and in control. Although it took me longer to relax, I began to feel lighter, and kinda fuzzy, similar to that feeling that you experience just before you fall asleep. I could hear everything that she was telling me, and in fact, I remember most of it. It felt very short. Although the session was almost 90 minutes long, I felt like I had only been in that state for a few minutes. She then encouraged me to start wiggling my toes, my fingers, and eventually open my eyes. I opened my eyes and suddenly began crying. hard. like violently crying. 

With snot on my face and chest heaving, I ugly cried for a solid 10 minutes.  I've only cried like that once - when I found out that Monty had died. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, to be honest. 

My psychologist was very encouraging, stating that this session was very productive, and exactly what she had hoped for. 

I drove home in a daze and fell asleep upright at my computer. I felt tired, drained, and very low in mood. I was scheduled to return for another session in a few days, and I honestly wasn't sure if I felt up to it. 

The listless feeling lifted after about a day and when I returned to the clinic, my psychologist suggested that perhaps I didn't require another hypnotherapy session. I was a little surprised, and maybe a bit relieved, but I didn't see how that one session could have really made a difference. 

Well, it's been a month and I have not had one surgery nightmare! Can you believe it? These were occurring 2-3 times per week, and I've been gifted about 30 consecutive nights now without a nightmare panic attack. I was actually afraid to fall asleep at night, and now the only thing waking me up at night is my yelly hungry cat!

Here's what I've learned:

I experienced things during my medical "journey" (I hate that term, but what the hell do I call it?) that my brain processed as traumas. I did everything I thought I could do to move on, including making light of and joking about the events (that serotonin syndrome was some trip, hey?), meditating, participating in cognitive behavioral therapy, and literally running away from it on the elliptical (shocker, didn't work). Despite this, my brain was hanging on to those experiences and wanted to ensure that I did not forget by replaying them to me in my sleep in the most violent, horrible way (how would you like to die on the operating table tonight, Kirstie?).  I needed a way to reach my subconscious and inform it that I am safe. It is over. It's time to move forward, etc. Hypnotherapy appears to have been effective in doing that for me. I am so thankful that I have access to professionals with specialized skills.

As for the body, when my brain is more settled, I see a direct correlation with pain relief. Although I experience pain on a daily basis (OG hip and Britknee, specifically...also is anyone else really worried about Britney????), when I'm mentally and emotionally more settled, which is absolutely linked to sleep, the pain feels very manageable. 

Sharing my book

Secondly, I'm still really enjoying my book adventure, and am busy producing and sharing the resources that go along with Katie the Caiman. 

I offered some professional development to schools last week and was able to show educators how they can target multiple goals and varying levels with one book. The participants were interactive and very receptive to my strategies, while also offering strategies of their own. It was a great experience!

I practiced my phonemic awareness activities with our Canadian visitor, Harper, who is 7 years old. Harper is a super keener and loved the "games," asking to work on word chains every morning. Harper is enrolled in French immersion, so it was interesting for me to see how her sound-letter correspondence was slightly different, but that she could still excel in the activities that I had created. FYI: phonological awareness skills are the number one predictor of reading abilities. Check out www.kirstielindsaybooks.com if this interests you. 

I was also invited to read at one of my old stomping grounds, Edna Moyle Primary School in North Side during their super cute family pajama reading night. I drove out to that school every Thursday and it was one of my favorite schools to visit, so I was happy to return and read Katie in my slippers and PJs. One keen student asked me what species caimans were classified as. EEKS Alligatorian? Crocodilian? Are those species names? Apparently, I need to brush up on my animal classification knowledge. 

I've been invited as a special guest speaker at a Children's Author Book Collective at an event called Cayfest in March. I'm looking forward to demonstrating reading strategies for parents while sharing Katie. I'll also be manning a booth there, which brings back memories of the 1990 science fair which had my parents dumpster diving for fridge boxes while I cried because I needed to win and the paint color was so wrong. Anyone? Anyone? 

I'm becoming more comfortable reading and sharing with the public. It's been a bit of a learning curve and not without its challenges. I still doubt myself, my knowledge, and my skills at times, but the more I share, the more that I realize that I do possess a specific set of skills that can help others, as well as interact and have fun with the kiddos. And, I mean, I had a dream as a child of becoming Mr Dressup or Ms. Fran from Romper Room, so although I don't have a magic mirror or a tickle trunk, I'm basically living my dream. Haha!

Vacationing at home with our Canadian buds

Finally, we hosted our super buds, the Hunter family, for 2 weeks during half-term break. 

To be honest, I was a little concerned about all of us living in such close quarters for 14 days, but it really was an awesome and a memorable "vacation" (I was mostly off work during their time here). In 12 years, I had never visited Crystal Caves or the Turtle Center, so it was fun to partake in those activities, but mostly I just really enjoyed reuniting again! Stacey and Charlene joined us most days as well. We beached, e-foiled, snorkeled, enjoyed an epic boat day, and commiserated together over Canada's suspenseful, yet tragic hockey loss. 

Having a 7-year-old in our home was a big change. Harper was here when she was 4, so she had some vague memories of her previous vacation; however, I think she was slightly disappointed when she realized that our giant pool was not, in fact, our private pool, but belonged to the entire complex, and the "stage" that she envisioned by the pool was actually a BBQ area! Haha. 

There were daily events such as Taylor Swift dance parties (Go "Paper Rings" on repeat!), pirate card games, and lots of singing. I sing to my animals all the time and the fact that Harper quickly joined in, learning all the songs made my heart so happy! (Top hits include "Let the Sunshine In," "Big Stretch," "Bathroom Party," and the very popular "Din Din Time" song). Soon she will realize that my dance moves and pet songs aren't cool, so I'm holding on to this moment for now. I loved spending so much time with Harper. She and Dilbert became super buds, glued at the hip, always waiting for me to get up in the morning! Although the constant crumb dropping contributed, she was also very kind and gentle with both the pets, which I love. I hope that Harper always has fond memories of her time with us. 

We've vacationed with the Hunters for about 17 years now. Our early vacations were mostly diving adventures, including a shark dive that retrospectively makes me shudder (fear of being swept out to sea by current, not sharks). Obviously, our vacations now include much less risk-taking and binge drinking. Sand toys and definitely way more protein consumption are now top priorities; however, the laughs, stories, and love amongst us continue to be the same. Some friends come in and out of your life at different times, and for different reasons, but the fact that our friendship has survived 17 years, so many life changes, and long distance makes me really grateful and proud. 

Cheers!

We still love sharks!

Fun Katie updates, cringey videos, Backstreet's Back (and so are the nightmares)

 Hey Friends!

Firstly, I just want to thank each and every one of you who reached out about my book, purchased a copy, joined the email list, and/or sent videos and pictures of a little friend reading my book. You have no idea how much I appreciate the support! Thank you. 

Putting Katie the Caiman out into the world has been exciting, but also nerve-wracking and scary. I was attempting to express how it feels to a friend, and I explained that writing has always been something that brings me great joy. When I share my blog, I don't feel obligated to entertain or produce some amazing literary piece. Also, I've never really considered that anyone would critique my blog. I mean...you could...but it's my personal thoughts and feelings and you're not paying for it. It's always felt safe to me. 

The book, on the other hand, is open to critique. What if the critique takes away all the joy that I get from writing? But...what if sharing my writing exponentially increases the joy? I'm still learning how to be an "author," which feels weird. When people congratulate me on writing a children's book, I find myself diminishing the project by saying, "Oh is just wrote a little story and self-published." I'm learning to be more proud, confident, and excited about sharing my work. 

Fun aside: Check out a snapshot of my vision board from March 2025. In tiny type under the fish...😊

I have been sharing Katie with many little friends on the island, as well as talking to organizations such as LIFE (Literacy Is For Everyone) about forming some partnerships. Katie the Caiman is now available on the islands' most beloved bookstore, "Book Nook." So, it's all very cool. I'm learning so much (ensure the environment and number of children is conducive to a reading!!!!) and really trying to stay present, focusing on all of the love that Katie and I are receiving. 

I really don't want this blogpost to be a whole book promotion. However, I just want to remind everyone of the free resources on www.kirstielindsaybooks.com.  As a clinician, I'm always looking for activities to accompany books - activities that I can grab and use for multiple levels and year groups. I really hope that teachers and clinicians will take a look at the resources and see the value in them. I also know that parents don't have time to download and print things, so I hope that they will appreciate the "on the go" section to help their children with these skills. I put a lot of thought and energy into this, and I know how useful these will be. So please share and check it out. *plug complete*

Kirstie Lindsay Books

But you guys...the videos! At the risk of sounding vain, I honestly overestimated my attractiveness! Ha! I'm not fishing for compliments here, honestly, I just re-watched my videos and focused on the asymmetry of my facial features, the shade of charcoal under my eyes, and my high screechy voice. Ugh! Even Evan was like, "You know, you don't really look like that in real life." One friend suggested a ring light and I was like, "I AM using one! AAAGHHH!" 😬. It took me about 20 takes to accept that this is "video Kirstie," and the purpose of these videos to help children. HELP THE CHILDREN, Kirstie, and stop focusing on your appearance! But seriously, isn't watching yourself age tough?? I'm always grateful that I GET TO age, but the realization can be jarring. 

Overall, other than the fact that I'm older and less attractive than I thought 😕, I feel like I'm in a really good place! 

My dad was here before Christmas, and we spent some really nice days together catching up. I see dad every summer at the lake, but it felt really good to host him and show him how we spend our time in Cayman. He hadn't been here in 11 years, so a lot has changed! (We now have enough money to buy happy hour food instead of finding the one place on island that supplied free appies with drinks! Haha). I know that my dad really enjoyed it and I'm so happy that he's healthy and living his best life in Mexico for the winter. 

My mom and I had an incredible mother/daughter trip to Vegas! We saw the Backstreet Boys at the Sphere - which was mind-blowing! If you ever have an opportunity to go to the Sphere - do it. Unreal. Full disclosure, mom and I are NOT Vegas fans. We don't gamble and hate crowds, so when we arrived to packed streets (so many strollers! who knew?), we changed our plans and focused on a few exhibits and many cocktail lounges. We stayed at the VERY Vegas-y "Westin" off the strip, which was absolutely our vibe😂. I am so happy that mom and I were able to spend quality time that didn't revolve around a surgery. I also owe mom for all her book editing hours! :) 

Interestingly, with all of this positivity around me right now, I began experiencing the horrible surgery nightmares that have come and gone for the past few years. I notice that they increase in frequency when I'm experiencing pain. I've mentioned them before, but basically, every dream revolves around me in the operating room experiencing something so horrific that I wake up in the middle of a panic attack. I've learned to manage the aftermath by sniffing lavender, taking a drink of ice water, reading, and petting Dilbert (he has actually woken me up from my nightmare on a few occasions!) But, c'mon, the last month has been extreme, and I've begun to fear bedtime. 

I've been seeing my psychologist for about 2 years now and we have a great relationship. She suggested hypnotherapy. I'm game for anything! It's interesting that mentally, I feel like I'm over my past surgical experiences. In fact, I often joke and laugh about some of the crazy shit that I experienced! Hey, remember that one time when I was awake while they discovered that I had a horrible cartilage disease and then used a chisel and power drill to drill a hole in my bone while I watched. So funny! (red flag red flag). But obviously, my brain has decided that those memories should be relived in epic proportions every night when my nervous system finally takes a break. That damn brain! It NEVER forgets. I also want to publicly apologize for being mean to Trevor S. in grade 2. I was shitty and I'm sorry. 

I've had my first hypnotherapy session, and it blew my mind - almost as mind-blowing as the Sphere but a little bit scary and unexpected. I'm going to try another session before I fully share my experience, but I will say that I do think it's going to be effective for me. I also want to emphasize that it's really important that you only do this with a professional who has the training and experience, as well as with someone whom you trust. Like, NOT on stage at the Saskatoon exhibition in front of hundreds of audience members! If you've participated in hypnotherapy, especially for "trauma" purposes (It still feels overly dramatic to refer to my experiences as "trauma"), I'd love to hear about it if you feel comfortable reaching out privately. I think it's so important to seek professional help when you are struggling. 

Thanks for listening. Cheers to 2026!

Introducing my first children's book: Katie the Caiman

 Hey Friends,

Guess what? I wrote a book. A children's book. It started as a fun little story that I wrote on vacation and turned into an actual book because Evan made me. Let me explain:

Firstly, I write little stories all the time. I always have. Plopped right in the middle of my desktop is a folder called, "stories," and it's filled with short stories about Dilbert, Stevie, and Biloxi, as well as tales about hockey life. When I'm writing a story and get on a roll, I can feel my heart rate increase (my Garmin will actually alert me to a "stressful event"), and I get this dose - a mixture of dopamine and endorphins that make me feel...well, alive, I suppose. I've written these little stories from the day that I began forming letters into words with my pencil. In grade 2 I had a teacher, Mrs. Bannerman, who recognized my affinity for writing and encouraged me to write a new story every week to share with the class. I spent my Sunday afternoons crafting a new story. I delivered the story to my class on Monday and waited on bated breath for my cohorts' reactions. As I watched my classmates smile, laugh, and listen intently to my words, I received that adrenaline rush upon realizing that my stories had an effect on others. I read to transport myself on an adventure and discovering that my written words could do the same for others felt pretty powerful and exciting for a 7-year-old!

 I just realized this may feel like a Pinterest recipe. Are you scrolling with frustration to get to the damn point? Sorry! 

Back to my book. 

When Ev and I were in Costa Rica last year, we visited the Jaguar Rescue Center, a facility that rescues sick, injured, and/or orphaned animals. We had an excellent tour guide, and I really enjoyed the back story on each animal in the facility, as well as a description of each animal's personality. I was most captivated by the story of the caiman who sat quietly in the pond, while turtles sunned themselves on her back. I heard a few people from our group comment, "Look! A crocodile!" One woman said, "Those turtles shouldn't be so close to that crocodile or they'll be lunch!" The tour guide explained that the animal was not a crocodile, but was in fact, a caiman. Most of the tour did not know what a caiman was, so he patiently explained that differences between caimans and crocodiles. As he spoke, I watched the caiman, peeking her eyes from the water to observe us. She appeared, to me, like an active participant in our tour. She must have heard this spiel a thousand times. I could hear her reptile voice saying, "I'm not a crocodile. I'm a caiman!" When the guide described where the caiman was found, everyone's' jaw dropped, and I instantly fell in love with this reptile. I had so many questions. How did the caiman end up THERE? How did the people react when they discovered the caiman? This reptile had a story to tell! (you'll have to read my story to get the full story - I can't give it all away in a blog post!)

As soon as we returned to our hotel, I stole Ev's laptop for a few hours, made myself comfortable on a beach chair, and quickly drafted the story of Katie the Caiman.

We returned from holidays, and like all the stories that I've written over the years, the story of Katie sat stagnant - this time, however, on Ev's laptop. 

Fast forward 6-months to a rainy morning at Candle Lake when Ev beckoned me into his office. 

"Look," he began, "I found your story about the caiman on my laptop, and I've submitted it to illustrators. I've narrowed it down to 3 illustrators that we can hire to transform this into a book."

"You did what?" I responded angrily, "That story is not finished. It is not my best work. What have you done? Cancel the illustrator." 

I was pissed. 

My stories belong to me. I keep them hidden on my laptop and now Evan STOLE my story and wanted me to share with others? The nerve. 

I was pretty angry with Ev for a few days, to be perfectly honest...until he showed me the illustrations submitted from Narek. 

Narek brought Katie to life with such beautiful colors and expressions. Katie was exactly as I had envisioned. It was like he had insider access to my imagination and was able to recreate it on paper. I felt my heart pumping, just as I do when I write my stories, and decided to pursue this (Like I had a choice! ha). 

I began working with Narek in August. First item on the agenda: I had to finish the story! I spent a few days thinking about the level of vocabulary I was using, ensuring it was consistent with the vocabulary of a child in kindergarten to grade 2, but also including a few higher-level words to spark discussion. I thought about how I could incorporate targets that I would use in my speech therapy sessions. I thought about how a teacher could use my story to target early literacy skills. I thought about how parents could use the story to expand their child's vocabulary and encourage interactions. I thought carefully about every word and then enlisted the help of my awesome mom.

Mom, the queen of grammatical structure, has been my editor from day one! You may not know this, but my mom is a very talented writer and writes articles for the Western College of Veterinary Medicine. 

Mom was so so helpful. I think that she spends most of the time omitting commas, as I tend to overuse them, all, the, time. :)

She provided suggestions to assist in making the dialogue smoother. 

Mom even caught the extra space after quotation marks in the first proof! (which was incorrectly printed horizontally, by the way...oops). 

I would not have felt confident in producing this book without my mom's careful eye. 

And here we are. Katie the Caiman arrived on island on Friday!

I'm very pleased with the illustrations. Narek did a fantastic job. 

I feel like Katie is a good start. I'm feeling quite insecure about sharing with others, but as Evan has reminded me time and time again, one must start somewhere. I'm no longer mad at Ev, by the way. I am grateful that he recognizes how much happiness writing brings me and opened my eyes to the realization that my stories could also bring happiness to others. He also reminded me that as an experienced speech therapist, I possess specialized skills that could help parents and teachers target skills in a fun and interactive way. Evan gave me the push that I needed (maybe more like a loving shove). 

It's definitely my FIRST rodeo, and I'm hanging on!

I've already written the first draft of the next book in the series, and I can't wait to share that one with you. As I see Katie in print, I envision how to improve upon the next. Now that you've been introduced to Katie and the core group of animals in the Jaguar Rescue Center, I think that you'll really enjoy the next book in the series. Soon come. 

As for Katie the Caiman, here is my advice (and my vision):

Cuddle up with your kiddo in a warm, comfy spot. 

While you read the story together, use the story and the illustrations to spark conversation. How does Katie feel? What do you think will happen next? What would you do if that happened to you? If you could bring a jungle animal to school, which one would you pick? What would your friends do? Don't just read the book but talk about it.

I see so many parents busy curating the perfect Christmas for their families right now. I also see a lot of children who appear overwhelmed and overstimulated by all of the festivities. Take some quiet one-on-one time with your child during the holiday madness. Turn story time into a fun and cozy interaction with your child. No screens, just a fun story, beautiful illustrations, and your imagination. 

Link to my website (in progress): Kirstie Lindsay Books

If you'd like to own the book:  buy the book

For my Canadian friends: buy the book in Canada

Enjoy.

Merry Christmas!

A new season

 Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while. Full disclosure: I composed a blog post about three weeks ago and it felt very negative. I held off for a few days, contemplating whether or not to hit "publish," and I'm glad that I waited because things improved (they always do). I needed to vent, but the act of simply putting my thoughts in writing was just what I needed, whilst sparing you all from my dramatic anguish. 

I'll get the crappy stuff out of the way first. My left hip is causing me a lot of pain. We knew that another cortisone injection may not be as effective as the first. I fully prepared myself for this, but once the pain hit, it hit hard. All of those negative thoughts and emotions took over, and I slid into a bit of a slump? pity-retreat? (it was longer than a party).  Let's channel The Princess Bride and call it "The Pain Pit of Despair." While I awaited a new MRI, I took anti-inflammatories in attempt to dull the pain, but predictably, that lead to a gastritis flare up with horrible stomach pain for a few days. I'm at the point where I just can't take any oral medication for pain. Everything has some type of damn side effect. It's like an insult to injury - I see your awful hip pain and raise you debilitating stomach pain. Anyway, I spent a few days immersed in my condition, which is not fun. It's lonely. Anyone with a chronic condition will attest to this. Social media doesn't help. The narrative that I was telling myself was: Everyone is living a full life except for you. No one has time for your health bullshit anymore. This disease has robbed you of a "normal" life. You deserve this. You are a loser.

My psychologist suggests that I imagine saying these words to my 5-year-old self. It's effective. I picture little people-pleasing Kirstie with that white-blonde bowl bob who was devastated by anything less than 100% on a spelling test, and I immediately stop because these harsh words would break her. But...then I feel like an asshole for berating a 5-year-old. 

 The good news is, I have this "toolbox" created with years of work with pain psychologists, as well as an app that gets me through some tough days ("Curable" - highly recommend). And, I had a few vent sessions with my mom and Evan (I am SO thankful for Mom and Evan who always love and support me, even when I'm struggling to love myself).  It's hard work to climb your way out of that pit of despair, especially at a time when you don't have the energy and, frankly, don't see the point. But, one day at a time (with a few backward slides), I made it out. 

Aside: someone commented on my toned upper body during these dark days, and I had to bite my tongue from replying, "Yep, working on the shoulders to help me climb out of pain pit of despair." Dark, my friends. Dark. 

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - Westley, The Princess Bride

Interestingly, the MRI revealed that my hip is not as bad as it has me believing. In fact, I would say that the left hip is a bit of a drama queen! Although it looks like the hip of a 70-year-old with advanced osteoarthritis, the gnarly cartilage deformities which make me an anomaly are minimal. My ortho postulates that perhaps this is the stage of my disease before we hit the point of no return. He provided me with options, which is great. I typically don't get options. I could go ahead and get the total hip replacement, but to be honest, I'm not mentally prepared for that right now. When I think of having surgery, the bitter taste of anesthetic fills my mouth and causes me to gag (I told you the left hip is a drama queen!). He suggested a fairy new injection on the market called Arthrosamid. This injection is comprised of a man-made hydrogel, which cushions the joint. Perhaps it will help to protect my cartilage from falling out in chunks? It's worth a SHOT (literally, ba-da-dum). Most of the research is for knees, but hips/knees, what's the diff? (speaking from experience, there is a HUGE difference, but that's cool, I'm open).  This injection will hopefully be available on island by January. In the meantime, I'm going to try a Synvisc injection (lubrication) in an attempt to reduce the pain. Again, none of these things are covered by insurance, so some girls get their Louis for Christmas, while others get prosthetic joints and hip injections. 

I asked my ortho why I would be experiencing so much more pain on a joint that, on MRI, looks much less scary than the other joints did (RIP right knee, left knee, and right hip), and in typical Dr. Alwin fashion, he replied softly, "In medicine 1 plus 1 rarely equals 2." Got it. I know my pain pathways well enough to suspect that my hyperfocus on the pain and negative thoughts were making my brain amplify the pain. 

So, we've got a plan. Great. Moving on...

We've just returned from an excellent trip to the Carolinas! Ev owns a gym in Asheville, NC and in Greenville, SC, so he frequents these locations a few times a year. Ev's Greenville manager, Marley got married in Greenville last weekend, so I had an excuse to tag along on this one! 

I love the Carolinas. Back in the day, Ev briefly played hockey in Charlotte, and we both talked about North Carolina being a location that we would consider settling in one day. From a topographical standpoint, the Carolinas have a bit of everything! You've got the coast and the beaches, mountain ranges, beautiful lakes, waterfalls, and temperate weather (TYPICALLY). I've expressed that in ALL CAPS because if you've followed our adventures, you'll know that Ev and I historically vacation in unprecedented weather. Nothing about our vacations is ever "typical." We've experienced Florida's coldest Christmas in 50 years, as well as California's historic Maverick waves that closed the coastal highway. So, when the temperature dropped from a balmy 72 degrees to 25 degrees in 24-hours, we weren't all that surprised. We were, however, a little surprised when it began snowing during our Brevard, NC road trip. I take full responsibility for this, as I was recently complaining about missing seasonal changes in Cayman. I find that when I'm stuck in a rut, the lack of weather/environment changes in Cayman seem to contribute to that feeling of "stuckness." Well guess what? We got seasons on this trip, baby! Fall (beautiful and picturesque Hallmark-quality), winter (even the addition of snow and icy roads), and a touch of Spring (watch that snow melt in 2 hours). All in a mere 5 days. Incredible! I see you, Mother Nature!

I was a bit nervous about attending Marley's wedding, as I only knew the bride, groom, and a few other guests. But it was a super fun wedding, and everyone was very friendly and welcoming!

When people ask me what Evan does for a living, I often struggle to summarize his occupation. He owns and runs 3 gyms remotely, and consults with gyms across North America, but I rarely get to see him in action (when he was goalie, I had a front row seats!)  I joke that it must be weird when gym members hear that the owner lives in the Cayman Islands. It sounds sketch, and as a gym member, I might assume that the owner might be a money laundering ass?  (Also, what exactly is money laundering and why aren't we doing it?) So, I am always happy when Ev receives so much positive feedback from gym members meeting him for the first time.

It was really cool to be approached by gym members at Marley's wedding who stopped by to introduce themselves and commend Evan on the community that he's helped to create from afar. Ev's teams at all gym locations are comprised of really good people, and I know that Ev has worked very hard to recruit and create these teams. In turn, the members that these teams attract are comprised of really good people. At the risk of husband-bragging (I'm always happy to be on the receiving end of kid-bragging, so give me 2 minutes 😉), I'm in awe of Evan's ability to have this vision, create this vision, and see it through from thousands of miles away. It's not lost on me that he has some very specialized skills.  (Not JUST an incredible butterfly save!) Although I'm always proud to stand beside him, I was incredibly proud to be by his side at the wedding, where I was able to meet the Madabolic community and hear the stories of those whose lives his gyms have changed. Evan is admired and respected by so many, and I will always be his biggest fan. (That concludes my husband-bragging). 

And guess what? Evan even danced at the wedding (well, shuffled his feet kinda to the beat of the music with a few enthusiastic-ish fist pumps. Ha!). I've never been to a wedding where each and every single guest was on that dance floor. How awesome is that? Thank you to Tom and Marley for including us in such a fun, inspiring event. You are both such good people and that was evident by your incredible support system!

Aside: One friendly woman approached me and asked, "You live in the Cayman Islands?? Do you like swim with stingrays every day?" to which I replied, "Only on Fridays!" (Bahaha, I'd like to thank that 2nd glass of champagne for the confidence to engage in witty banter with strangers). 

After the wedding in Greenville, we decided that 25 degrees (-7 degrees Celsius) was perfect waterfall hiking temperature! BRRRRRR! So, we took a road trip to Lake Toxoway, near a cute little mountain town called Brevard in North Carolina. Honestly, although we did not have proper clothing for these temperatures, I secretly enjoyed snuggling under a warm blanket by the crackling fireplace. Cozy. I've had my fill of winter now. See you in a few years!

Overall, we had an excellent time, and it was so awesome to meet so many great people and enjoy a few days on our own adventuring. We love a good road trip.

Well folks, that's all from here. 

Cheers to seasons. If you didn't fully catch the metaphor, like the seasons, everything is temporary - those dark days will eventually brighten up. Hang in there. 

My summer "vision"

 

I've never been a huge fan of the vision board.

The vision board always felt a little "woowoo" to me. Not fully understanding what it was, I pictured people pasting dollar signs and photos of Italian landscapes on a board and then sitting back, awaiting the moment when money would magically appear for an Italian vacation. I viewed it as a substitute for action. 

The other reason that I wasn't a vision board fan is that thinking about the future scares me. No one knows what the future holds, but my experience with this degenerative cartilage condition has provided me with enough information to know that my health will always be an issue. I joke that these are "future Kirstie" problems, but to be honest, in my darkest moments, my "vision" has consisted of more surgeries, hospital stays and a wheelchair. 

Well, my ideas about vision boards changed dramatically this spring, when a dear friend, Emily, ran a vision board session for a group of us at a birthday event. 

Emily began the session with a guided meditation. I'm not sure if it was the soothing sound of her voice, the words she was using, the temperature of the room, or simply my state of mind that day, but as she encouraged us to visualize things, actions, people, etc that bring us joy, I felt inspired. 

While many of the girls chatted and visited while constructing their boards, I sat quietly in a corner and cut, ripped, and glued for a full hour without distraction. 

I kept seeing the word "connections."

I envisioned myself connecting with clients and found photos of people assisting others with communication. 

I envisioned myself connecting with Evan and collected pictures of scenes that represent that to me such as beach barbeque sunsets and scuba diving dates. 

I envisioned myself connecting with family and friends, and selected words such as "real smiles," "laughing until it hurts," and "be present."

In addition to connecting with others, I envisioned treating my body with kindness, regardless of its status. I have a tendency to beat myself up when things aren't working properly, and I know this isn't healthy. I added the words, "Learn to love your body again."

So, I went into this summer with a goal of connection and self-compassion in mind, and I must say, it worked! 

The psychology behind the vision board is that by visualizing our goals consistently, a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) becomes activated. The RAS acts to prioritize information that reaches your brain, so your RAS becomes attuned to opportunities that align with your goal. 

Knowing that I really wanted to connect with others over the summer, I did my best to accept any invitations that came my way, regardless of the weather, the drive, etc. In addition, I made the decision to celebrate our 20th anniversary by throwing a party for family and friends. I also focused on being as present as possible in daily events, but also during interactions. 

Overall, it was a really great summer at Candle Lake! 

Firstly, the cortisone injection did its job, and I was gifted with 2 months of minimal hip pain! This allowed me to do all the fun summer activities - I rode my bike almost every day, took Dilbert for long woodsy walks, wakesurfed with my boat gang, and participated in my favorite activity - stand up paddling down Fisher's Creek on calm mornings. This was total bliss! 

I feel like I spent time with most of my favorite people (a few were missing this summer due to busy schedules). I DJ'd for my rad Dad's sunset boat floats. I silly laughed with Kayla while we created a seltzer testing/crop checking expedition for two. I reminisced about the good ol' days with my mom and Janna, and then mom and Lani, and then mom, Kit, and Kayla over prosecco (see a pattern? hehe) I floated with friends on the lake between cold spells and smoky skies. I reconnected with my cousins at Shell Lake for an incredible day of games, songs, and headstands. I took a few trips to the city to see my sister's new house, attend some concerts (Sing it: "I don't want no scrubs"), ride some rides (Allicia made me!), and reunite with my high school girls for an epic night of belly laughs, dancing, and some tears. (That's just a snapshot!)

Being with my people makes me feel so "me." Relationships that allow you to reveal your true vulnerable self through all aspects of life really are the definition of true connection, don't you think? I feel so lucky to have these relationships both on island and with my "old" gang at Candle Lake. Cheers to that!

I always envisioned us throwing a 25th anniversary party at the lake; however, as our 20th neared, I began wondering, why were we waiting? 

Our wedding day was one of the best days of my life. Some of the memories are a bit fuzzy (I was overserved, Def Leopard was involved), but I do have a vivid memory that I frequently retrieve when I'm feeling down. I remember looking out at our guests - all the people who came from far and wide - and feeling so loved and supported. Despite the fact that my parents divorced when I was 12, our families came together, enjoyed each other and celebrated us by partying hard! I longed to feel this sense of connection again, so I threw out the traditional 25th anniversary celebration, and opted for the less popular 20th anniversary PAAAARTY!

I spent a lot of time thinking about the people who would be attending and considered aspects of the party that would bring people joy. I hung old photographs around the hall, ensuring that every person invited was depicted on the wall in a memory. I knew my Aunty Myrna would love this, and she did! I created a music list, thinking of all the guests who used to party in my parents' basement in the 80's (Those were SOME parties!) I ensured that "Gloria," "Fishing in the Dark," and "Living on a Prayer" were cued later in the evening when the alcohol was sure to provide some dancing courage. Speaking of alcohol, I carefully mapped out all guests drink preference and amount, providing an open bar (I grossly underestimated the amount of Sleemans my buds would drink - sorry! Pigs! just jokes). I created a photo booth corner with props, knowing how much my buds LOVE to wear an Evan Lindsay jersey, and I created a few games with prizes for my competitive crew. I even paid homage to our official animal of summer, the shark, by commissioning my cousin, Norah, to bake us jawsome cookies. It took time and effort, but totally worth it! Looking back, I got a lot of enjoyment out of sorting through photos, organizing music (while envisioning how guests would react to "their" song), collecting photo props for the booth, and searching party stores for supplies with my mom - the prep work! But the night of the party, when I announced that our hired designated driver was doing her last round of drop-offs and noticed that no one was budging from the dance floor/photo booth/bar, I knew that it was a success. No one wanted the night to end, and that brought me so much joy! (Shout out to Linds and Brad, our incredible clean-up crew who showed up the day after when everyone felt a little worse for wear). 

Now the party was totally my idea, but Evan, doing what he does best, gave me full reign to fulfill my vision. Behind the scenes he set up our photo sharing platform, moved hall furniture for 2 hours until I was satisfied with our setup, and fulfilled his role as best supporting husband, ensuring that everyone was taken care of at our party. After 20 years of marriage, we know and accept our roles! Ev will never be our social activity director, and I will never be the logistics/financial planner of the family. Ha!

As our Canadian summer came to an end, although I felt sad that it was over (I always do), I felt like I had fulfilled my goal of connecting. Thanks to everyone who made it happen! Love to our Candle Lake crew! Shout out to cortisone - 'roids get a bad rep, but they can pull through in a pinch. 

Back in my happy place!

 Hey Friends,

There has been a lot of action in the last month! Let me catch you up...

Firstly, there is a massive wildfire in northern Saskatchewan called the "Shoe" wildfire. It began in May and dry conditions and strong winds caused it to spread quickly. By the end of May, the fire was over 500,000 hectares (Google convert says that is almost 2000 square miles) and had a massive impact on the province of Saskatchewan, burning many lakes and cabins. By mid-June, the fire was moving towards Candle Lake at a rate of a few kilometers per day, and Candle Lakers were becoming concerned. We have many friends and family who own summer properties (we call them "cabins") at Candle Lake, but there are also about 850 permanent residents here, who live year-round. A voluntary evacuation order came when the fire was about 12km from Candle Lake. At that point, my family began collecting valuables and securing their properties. Thankfully, my mom was able to gather some sentimental items - you know, my VEIL! and lots and lots of photos. My sister and dad rigged up a sprinkler system on our roof, and Kayla managed to locate a box of very important love letters from Evan (Think long-distance teenage angst, "I miss you so much it hurts"). It was pretty scary. We've owned our place at the lake for 21 years, and I have an attic full of boxes of treasures. I pleaded with Mother Nature that I would absolutely sort through my boxes if my cabin remained standing! I found a wildfire app that showed wind direction and speed, and being the person that I am, I OBSESSED over this app for about 2 weeks, awakening in the middle of the night to ensure that the dreaded east wind was not blowing the fire in our direction. Things became very heated (see what I did there?) when the fire was 9km from the lake and a daily report stated that it was "imminent" that the fire would reach Candle Lake. Thankfully, the next day, Mother Nature called a truce and dumped over 20mm of rain on the fire, the water bombers, fire fighters, and ground crew were able to regain control of the fire, and Candle Lake was out of harm's way. Phew! The fire is still not contained; however, it is no longer threatening any communities. 

Candle Lake in the blue box when fire was at closest point

For about a week, our plans to return home to Canada were put on hold as we monitored the fire. The pets' exports are complicated and must be timed with our departure, so I was debating delaying appointments, for fear that our departure would be delayed, or even worse, cancelled. Thankfully, it all worked out. The Paw Patrol bravely crawled into their pet taxis and made the long trek home without incident, other than one member pooping her pants (she will remain anonymous, and no, it was not me). 

I can't put into words how GOOD it felt to walk into our home. When I imagined the possibility of losing our happy place on the lake, I felt sick. I know it's just a house, a material thing that can be replaced, but there are 21 years of incredible memories in this house. Evan's dad, Jerry, assisted with renovations, and he and Evan spent hours converting this cabin into, what was our permanent home for a few years. I was so incredibly grateful that our home was untouched by the fires, and I wake up every morning, feeling the breeze through the window, listening to the loons make their loon sounds (wail?), and the water lap on shore and I feel so SO grateful to be here. Also, I kept my promise to Mother Nature and immediately sorted through dozens and dozens of boxes. The majority was tossed, but I found some special treasures. I'm so thankful that they are safe. Aside: yes, we are keeping ALL of Evan's CD's because the island Jeep has a CD player and Big Shiny Tunes still rocks. 

It's hard to believe that we've been home for 2 weeks now! It's flying by much too fast. I feel like I've been in a Saskatchewan safari, encountering baby loons, baby geese, baby ducks, and even a bear while riding my bike! (Ev since has bought me a bear bell). A deer almost ran into me on my bike yesterday. It was spooked by a car and diverted straight into my path. Imagine hitting a deer on a bike? Yikes. Close call there, hey? (I've re-acquired my Sasky accent). I wonder if more wildlife has moved in as a result of the fires? Most importantly, I've reconnected with my family and my precious lake buds! I am soaking up my lake routine of morning paddles on my stand-up paddleboard through Fisher's Creek, bike rides to the village, pop-in visits from friends and family, and perhaps some consumption of alcohol on boats. (Lots of boats and so many alcoholic canned bevvy choices). It's been wonderful. 

As far as the hip goes, after being provided with the injection choices, I opted for probably the least popular choice - the good 'ol cortisone injection. When insurance came back, denying coverage for PRP and Hyaluronic acid injections, I hummed and hawed over the $5000 CI price tag, and decided that my hip probably didn't deserve my investment. Okay, that sounds harsh, but the reality is, there is no research that indicated these injections would improve my situation and given that my hip is pretty much past the point of no return, I decided to opt for the "pretend it's not happening" method. By the end of June, my pain had significantly increased, my mobility was declining, and I just wanted something to hold me over during the summer. Cortisone is generally effective at providing some temporary relief. 

I went into the clinic for the injection, which is done under fluoroscopy (X-ray). Although the needle for the hip injection was much larger and intimidating than the knee needle, I am not afraid of injections, and the pain was temporary. Once the injection was complete, my body does what it does best. It freaked the eff out. I had another vasovagal response (which I had forewarned the medical team about), and instead of passing out this time, my body went into full overreactive dramatic mode, convulsing and shaking uncontrollably on the x-ray table. The surgeon was called back in, along with another 7 medical professionals (was there a Dentist there at one point?), and everyone was kinda panicking. Evan was there as well, and he was attempting to explain that this was a common occurrence, but once they clocked my blood pressure at 200/140, I thought they were going to use the defibrillator paddle on me, "Clear!" Once I could finally speak again, I assured them, "I'm fine. I'm fine. It's my parasympathetic system." How embarrassing. Good GAWD. Why does my body always assume that I'm on the brink of death? So annoying. It all lasted about 30 minutes, but once the dust cleared, I was like, "Hey, how long do you think this cortisone injection will provide relief?" My orthopedic surgeon explained that it differs for every patient, but typically it ranges from 1-6 months. Please be a 6 month'er, please be a 6 month'er, please be a 6 month'er. 

Unfortunately, it's now the one-month mark and hip pain is returning. I'm still hopeful that I just tweaked something. I dunno. When has it ever just been a tweak, like seriously, Kirstie.  I messaged my surgeon asking if it's possible that it's wearing off and if there is anything I can do to hang on to the beautiful anesthetic effects. He responded that the effects of cortisone wearing off at one month are possible, but not probable. Ooooooof. Story of my joint health right there. Low probability is my jam. Thoughts and prayers to my left hip. Please just give me this summer. I will deal with you appropriately in September. Amen. 

Enjoy these summer days, my friends!

Cheers to Evan Lindsay love letters, wedding veils, and Big Shiny Tunes 2 (the best one). 

The one where Cinderella trades her glass slipper for a PRP injection

 Hi Friends,

Okay, I'm going to compare myself to a Disney princess, because truth be told, I always wanted to be a princess (in retrospect, I'd be a terrible princess), so here it goes:

As the clock struck midnight, my majestic horse-drawn carriage transformed back into a mango, my stallion morphed into my special dog with attachment issues, my footman transitioned back to my blind bitey cat, my beautiful iridescent gown converted into athleisure wear, and my glass slippers vanished, leaving a pair of orthopedic shoes in their place.  

A bit dramatic, right? Actually, that doesn't sound so bad - kinda comfy. That metaphor was a fail. 

What I'm trying today say is, the honeymoon phase of my recovery came to an abrupt end. About a month ago, I was cleaning out Stevie's litter box, when I failed to return to a vertical position. Since then, pain has been shooting down my left groin and lower back. I bend over and then something abruptly stops me from standing up straight. That something, it would seem, is another shitty hip. 

You guys, I've been through this brutal cycle of pain, acute pain, surgery, recovery, chronic pain, acute pain, surgery, etc, etc for about 14 years now. Like I'm not stranger to it, yet does it get any easier? NOPE. UGH. 

I knew that the left hip was failing but was relishing in this magical period of time where I felt little to no pain - sleeping through a night without waking up in pain was so so good. The surgeon theorized that my new strong hip would take the weight off my shitty hip and give me more time. Well, it was an incredible run of about 2.5 months. During that run, I appreciated life like I've never appreciated it before. It was an extended glimmer. It felt like my senses were enhanced. I saw life through a glimmer filter. I inhaled wonderful smells more deeply, my freshly washed sheets felt extra smooth on my skin, the birds sounded chirpier on my morning walks, and even plain tap water tasted icier and more refreshing from my "Ms. Kirstie" Stanley. I felt joy from seemingly routine everyday events. My speech therapy sessions were on point. I literally walked out of sessions, thinking "Boom! I rocked that." My workouts at the gym felt amazing - I was doing real "gym things" instead of physio exercises. I blasted Bif Naked, "I love myself today," as I cruised to the grocery store with my windows down. I questioned if most people ever get an opportunity like this - like a comeback high after things have been low for an extended period of time? Do other people get glimmer months like this? It felt like a gift. I'm really thankful for those few months. 

However, I've since re-entered the pain cycle and am currently seeking the next steps in the shitty hip saga. Basically, the left hip has moderate-to-severe cartilage damage, less damage than the right hip had when I went in for the total hip replacement. So, it's not yet ready, or eligible under insurance, for termination. We have a unique window to try some therapeutic techniques that we've never been able to try before, given that my other joints have always been identified as issues only once they've hit the point of no return. So...yay??! To add insult to injury (literally), my hip flexor and rectus femoris (that sounds like a naughty muscle) on my new hip side are screaming out for help, but guess what? That shitty right knee ain't helping, nor is the left shitty hip. You are on your own, kids! Good luck. 

I met with Dr. Alwin, the surgeon who replaced my right hip and he suggested that we inject the shit out of it. I mean, he would never use the word "shit" because he's a very quiet and reserved man, but when he talked about injecting it with PRP, hyaluronic acid, and possibly cortisone, I heard, "LET'S INJECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT!" (It feels more dramatic, like an exciting sci fi movie with Sigourney Weaver).

For those of you who aren't familiar with PRP, it stands for Platelet Rich Plasma. They draw your own blood, spin it in a centrifuge to concentrate platelets and then inject it back into the affected area. The theory, in my situation, is that it may help alleviate pain and slow down the rate of my disease process - buy me more time before a total hip replacement is the only option. Hyaluronic acid acts as a lubricant for the joint, helping to reduce joint friction; hence pain. I think most people are familiar with cortisone. These injections consist of corticosteroids and are injected directly into the joint to provide effective pain relief. There is increasing evidence that cortisone injections can cause increased cartilage damage, causing the joint to deteriorate faster, so that's definitely something to consider. 

Given that they don't really know what the hell I have or what is causing my cartilage to degenerate in all of my weight bearing joints, it's a bit of a shot in the dark (see what I did there?), but what do I have to lose (other than about $3200 KYD - approximately $5400 CAD). This is not covered by my insurance, so I have to decide if it's worth it. I can think of a lot of things I'd rather spend the money on, but a part of me feels like I should try the PRP and maybe the hyaluronic acid; otherwise, I'll never know. That being said, I kinda feel like a really old car that requires a lot of maintenance. Like do you shell out the money for the top-of-the-line maintenance costs for a 1970 Buick LaSabre, knowing the engine needs to be replaced soon? Am I a junkyard car that we salvage for parts or am I a classic, distinctive automobile? For those of you who have followed my journey from the beginning, we quickly determined that if I was a racehorse, they would, without question, shoot me. 

 Aside: for my Canadian friends who have asked me about private health insurance, now that I no longer work for government, I pay for private health insurance. The monthly premium is $1000 KYD ($1700 CAD) - that's $12,000 KYD per year and covers me and Evan). This is considered a "middle ground" plan.  Some have inquired whether we pay more because I have a predisposed medical condition, but given that my condition is undiagnosed, we do not. This is what an insurance plan costs when you work in the Cayman private sector. With this coverage, I co-pay for most things. For example, my insurance might cover 80% of my MRI costs, and I pay the additional 20% out of pocket (which amounts to $500 KYD). My insurance covers $50 KYD of each one hour $180 KYD physio appointment (my Canadian physio friends are reading this mouth agape), and doctors' appointments range from $25 to $400, depending on bloodwork, X-rays, etc. I've never waited more than 2 weeks for a specialist appointment, and I have the freedom of choosing my own medical team, and surgery wait time is minimal - which to be honest, is priceless. But there are times when I feel like I'm spending hundreds of dollars a week to meet with medical professionals who aren't entirely sure what to do with me. Like maybe I'd rather just get a pedicure. 

I digress.

I'm back in pain management mode, suffering from daily pain that specifically impacts my ability to sit for more than 15-minute intervals. It's also waking me up in the night when I roll over. I struggle to get vertical a few times a week (which can be embarrassing and inconvenient) and am feeling bummed about it all. Each time I'm met with a new medical issue, I feel myself re-entering the cycle of grief. I am a grief cycle expert! I've noticed that I'm spending quite a bit of time in denial the last few times - "Oh, maybe I pulled a muscle" (Hello? Your hip is deteriorating). I also held out on seeking help for a while "I don't need my psych; I have the tools and can do this on my own!" (Dude, go talk to your lady. She makes you feel better). I think I'm moving past denial, given that last week and the upcoming weeks are filled with appointments with my professional team. I'm also experiencing moments of anger. Although I'm thankful for the short stint of fairy tale life, I'm pissed that the glass slipper fell off. I see lots of princesses dancing at the ball, how come I'm stuck hunched over the litter box in a non-vertical position? I always experience some sadness as well. I'm sad that my body is failing me, yet again. I feel sad for myself because I've been through so much and I don't feel like doing this again. I feel sad for Ev. I know it hurts him to see me in pain. Eventually I'll stroll into acceptance - maybe next week. It's exhausting.

Luckily, months ago we booked a weekend getaway - we must have known that we would need a quiet and calm retreat. Last weekend, we flew to Kingston, Jamaica, and enjoyed a chill weekend in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica, at a place we've visited a few times called Strawberry Hill.

Strawberry Hill is this charming, cottage-y type of resort way up high in the Blue Mountains, overlooking the city of Kingston. Bob Marley sought solace here after he survived an attempted assassination in 1976. So, I mean if Bob can recover from a near death by shooting, surely, I can feel calm and peaceful about this new development in my "journey", right? Sure. 

Strawberry Hill was exactly what we needed. I inhaled fresh mountain air, sipped wine while listening to three little birds singing from the tree-tops and the reggae music echoing off the hills. Although Ev and I did have some serious discussions about my next plan of attack, we mostly just hung out and felt happy. We explored the area, ate good food, laughed a lot, and enjoyed each other's company. There are still many glimmers in life to experience, despite the pain. So... you know, life is complicated, but it's good. 

Now I just need to develop a plan. My goal is to enjoy this summer at Candle Lake, minimizing the pain as much as possible.

Stay tuned for updates on the SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS shotshots SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS (did you sing it in your Lil Jon voice?)