Thursday, August 27, 2015

"Is that a tasmanian devil?" "No, sir, that's my cat."

Here's an idea for a new reality TV series:

It's called:  "Can you make it  - without hating each other's face?"

Plot: Find a newly dating couple who is fresh, enthusiastic, and "in love." Are they ready for marriage? Let's all watch and find out!

Give them a 22 pound cat and a 25 pound dog to carry in little boxes. Give them 4 overweight suitcases packed full of Tim Horton's tea leaves, which will eventually spill all over their clothing. Injure one individual in the couple - let's say, for example, a little knee injury.

Challenge: Fly as passengers on American Airlines from 5am until 9pm. Give the couple two very tight connections in Toronto and Miami. Ensure the customs line in Toronto is out the door. Cue a scene where one member of couple is running to the gate with cat and dog in hands, belt dangling around neck (no time to re-clothe after security!), whilst pushing other member of couple in a wheel chair, who is stating, in a frenzy, "Our flight is boarding NOW!"

Do not let the couple eat anything during the entire journey. Cue a temper tantrum by the angry cat in Miami. Ensure that the cat is making very loud, distracting and tortuous noises that cause the other airport passengers to glare in disbelief. In Miami, create a "couple challenge" for dramatic effect. For example, when one member of the couple takes the dog to the airport doggie park to pee, ensure security will not let the dog and the individual back into the airport, inaccurately stating that the dog's plane ticket has not been paid in full.

Cue scene where there is frantic texting between the couple,

"What can I do to help? I'm in the boarding area with the cat. He is freaking out. He just tried to escape out of his box. My knee won't make it all the way to security with this spazzing cat!"

"Take a picture of the receipt and text it to me."

"My phone is going to die soon."

"They are insisting that I pay $250!"

"I can't find the receipt. There are 50 pages of paperwork here, but no receipt! Our plane boards in 10 minutes!"

"K. I will pay and meet you on plane."

"Good luck. My phone is at 3% Shit! The cat just escaped."

Once the couple and the pets safely board the plane, wallets empty from paying off security, cue a mechanical issue with the airplane, causing the plane to sit motionless on the tarmac for at least an hour. Cue crying child in seat behind the couple. Cue frantic barking by dog in little box.

There. Can the couple make it through these tortuous 15 hours with no sleep, no food, and only their friendship and love for each other to keep them sane? If the couple survives without hating each other's face, cue an instant wedding - they will be fine. If not, sayonara - you are not cut out for marriage. Better luck next time.

PS: Evan and I made it back to our little paradise. Dundee and Biloxi, although tattered and emotionally scarred, are doing fine. Evan and I still love each other - heck, we even LIKE each other! The knees are holding up very well, and Evan is back to sweating profusely each and every time he so much as lifts his baby finger. I started back at work and, man, was it ever awesome to see so many smiling faces and dish out "hello hugs" after a few months away. I forgot just how beautiful (and HOT!) this sweet little island really is. I've already taken out one suicidal chicken with our car and shamelessly used my knee brace to narrowly escape a ticket, "Sir, I know my car registration is overdue but look, I just had knee surgery," (hiking up skirt to reveal horrid brace). Haha!

Although my heart still hurts from so many goodbyes, I feel pretty good. Life is good.


Biloxi: BEFORE - Angry

Biloxi: AFTER - blissful

Dundee: BEFORE - petrified

Dundee: AFTER - elated
Knees: BEFORE - confined

Knees: AFTER: free!
First morning tea on the beach - thank goodness some of the Timmy's survived the trip!

Ev and Dundee on a sunset stroll

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