Thursday, August 20, 2015

I'm not crying, my eyes are just really watery this week

I'm not much of a public crier. I mean, no one really wants to cry in public, but it happens. I didn't cry at my graduation. I didn't cry at my wedding. I seldom cry at funerals. Babies do not bring tears to my eyes, nor do cute little puppies. It's not that I'm a stone cold heartless woman, it's just that I prefer to do my crying in private. Typically, I give myself a day. One day. I might just sit in the bathroom and let it all out. All the tears that I've bottled up over the course of a few weeks, or maybe a few months are given permission to flow freely. Once my time clock runs out, it's done. The crying is over. There. Better. This was always my preferred method of dealing with my feeling(s). Since "knee-gate" in 2012; however, things have changed. I'm not exactly sure why, but it all began when Dr. M explained my diagnosis and prognosis to me in his office one day, over 3 years ago. The floodgates opened, I ugly cried years of salty tears all over his lovely desk, as he desperately searched for kleenex, and I've never been the same since (and Dr. M will never forget to equip his desk with kleenex). And it's getting worse. With each passing year, and the experience of additional surgeries and continuous goodbyes, I'm morphing into this soft, mushy, sentimental, touchy-feely kinda person. Icky.

As we pack our things and say good-bye (for now), I have been kinda an emotional mess. Mother Nature has also timed things perfectly, ensuring that my estrogen levels are at an all time low in order to sabotage my ability to handle things in a rational manner. Screw you, Mother Nature, and your "lady cycle."

These are things that have made me cry in the last few days:

1) Sarah McLachlan: "I will remember you" has played on Songza numerous times while I have been driving. Are you kidding me, Songza? Is this playlist specifically created for: "Stabbing yourself with your keys while you're driving"?  I snivelled away as she sang, "Weep not for the memories." Sarah McLachlan, you, your sappy music, and your sad puppy infomercials are evil (but quite touching as well - keep up the good work).

2) Dr. M's office: To be fair, I'm 99.9% confident that there is tear gas leaking through the vents in that office. Is it a coincidence that my eyes have watered uncontrollably in over half of my appointments in that place? I think not. I'm quite certain that the nerves in my lacrimal glands were stimulated by a chemical weapon, resulting in tears. There's no way that I'm THAT emotional, c'mon! Sorry, Dr. M. I suck. :)

3) Doggie Goodbyes: Yesterday Dundee, our little white Coton de Tulear, had to say goodbye to his best bud, Carter, a 100 lb brown Pit bull. As I attempted to assist in their goodbye, ("Dundee, say goodbye to your buddy. You'll see him next summer"), my eyes welled up with tears and I exclaimed, "Evan, this is so sad! Their faces are just so sad!" to which Ev replied, "Their faces always look like that. They are expressionless, Kirstie!" Ugh. Heartbreaking. I feel personally responsible for ripping apart this deep doggie friendship. (FYI: The dogs suck at Skyping. Dundee can see Carter, but Carter can't see Dundee. Dundee cries and Carter runs to every window looking for Dundee. Incredibly painful to watch. Sigh).

Is this their "sad" face or their "happy" face? Who knows. 

4) Evan asking, "Are you OK?": After 19 years as best buddies, Ev's ability to detect a looming Kirstie breakdown is pretty darn accurate. As Evan and I discussed the list of "to-do's" before departure, I believed that I was  presenting myself as stable and self-assured.  Evan suddenly interrupted me with, "Are you OK, Kirst?" Dammit. Ummmm. Well…."NOOOOOOO!" Ugh. Cue the tears. Cue the Evan hug. Seriously, Kirstie, pull yourself together, girl!

So anyway, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm pretty sucky this week, but it is for good reason. Yes, I will very much miss my friends and family, and the life that we love and live during our summers at Candle Lake. But we will be back again next summer, my friends and family will visit if they can, and life will carry on. I'm also looking forward to returning back to our "other" life on the island. I'm feeling much better and ready to get back to work and our regular island routine. How lucky are we to have two worlds with wonderful people supporting us in both! I think my emotions become stirred when I reflect back on the last 8 months - the most difficult 8 months that Evan and I have endured in our 19 years together, and I realize just how much our friends and family love us. They stepped up, took control,  and cared for us when we were unable and too exhausted to do it on our own. I was at a point where I couldn't give anything back, yet my friends and family persisted, cheering me on,  offering support, loving and caring for me unconditionally. It's amazing how one text, one phone call, one visit, brightened some of my darkest days. We have an incredible team of peops who love us to the end of the Earth, and that makes me bawl like a baby with gratitude. (Cue Sarah's "...Weep not for the memories.")

Cheers friends! Look out Cayman, the Lindsays are comin' for you on Friday!

PS: After extensive drug-testing, intense interrogation, and comprehensive criminal record checks, the animals have clearance to cross the Cayman border! whoohoo! (Luckily Biloxi's "Heathrow catnip misunderstanding of 2003" has been forgiven) hehe :)


  1. I'm gonna need to hear more on this catnip incident...

  2. Jyl! Biloxi was "detained" at Heathrow for 24 hours in 2003. Apparently there was a misunderstanding about a deworming pill he was supposed to have. We had to call a vet in London to go to the airport and administer the pill. It was not expensive AT ALL! haha. Since then, we call it "the catnip incident of 2003," because it sounds more badass than "the time we forgot the deworming pill" haha!