Hey friends,
It's been a busy few months since we last chatted!
I'm slowly transitioning into my new role with Achieve Cayman. I've been seeing students in private schools and homes. Everyone has been very supportive, and it's been a positive experience thus far. I'm looking forward to really getting into it and acquiring more adult patients when I return to Cayman after our summer in Canada.
More notably, however, are the changes within me over the past few months. As you know, I was coming to terms with the fact that my right knee replacement is larger than desired and will likely continue to cause pain, given that I am unable to get full extension. I was like, "Ok fine. This is what it is. I'm ready to move on." My body, on the other hand, wasn't having that and I started experiencing some interesting things.
For those of you who know me well, know that I dream very vividly, and enjoy discussing the meaning behind my dreams. As a child I experienced recurring "night terrors," where I awoke crying/screaming, and difficult to soothe. A few months ago, these "night terrors" reappeared 40 years later with a very specific theme. I began dreaming about things that I witnessed during the surgeries for which I was conscious.
My first 6 knee surgeries were performed in the OR with a spinal. I was alert, but unable to feel a thing. This method was recommended and preferred by me due to the nausea I always experience post anesthetic. In fact, during the "conscious" surgeries, I was very calm, curious, and thought it was quite interesting to see my knees via the interoperative cameras. I felt like an active participant in my surgeries.
Unfortunately, now that it's all over and I'm ready to move forward, my brain has begun replaying those memories to me, in a horrifying manner during the night. I see the cartilage literally falling off my bone as the surgeon probed it with his surgical tools and I feel the pressure and hear the hammering, chiseling, and noises in the OR that, frankly, didn't bother me at all in real time. I awaken screaming, drenched in sweat, heart pounding, often in the middle of freakin' panic attack. Like, c'mon, we're really going to do this now? So dramatic!
I decided that I needed some help, so I enlisted the expertise of a Physiotherapist who specializes in chronic pain as well as a Psychotherapist who specializes in pain and trauma. I threw myself into 8-weeks of intense therapy sessions, with lots of "homework" in between sessions. Aside: I think that first step, seeking help, is such a huge step. I commend everyone who has been there.
I won't bore you with all of the details, but it was a lot of hard work and some unpleasant/uncomfortable conversations. I'm not a fan of discussing my feelings; however, my team immediately recognized that I'm a huge fan of neuropsychology and were able to frame things in a manner that appealed to me. For example, talking about my fears helped to move memories from my overactive amygdala to my frontal lobe where I can analyze it in a rational manner. On a weekly basis, I worked on increasing my understanding the neuroscience of pain and participating in activities to retrain/rewire my brain such as goal writing, a lot of guided meditation, and accepting that pain will always be a part of my life.
The meditation was relevant to what I was experiencing, such as pain meditation and self-compassion meditation. I finally felt a sense of relaxation, which I've never fully experienced before, and didn't think was possible.
I greatly increased my awareness about how my inner voice speaks to myself. I realized that I viewed my 12 years of surgeries and recoveries as "failures" - specifically, my failure to have successful outcomes. Because of this, I was associating flare ups with failures, and I often condemn myself for feeling pain. Self-kindness has been the most challenging skill for me to learn, and I'm still working hard at it. Surely, we can all work on this.
I learned through the Physiotherapist that I was experiencing kinesiophobia - an irrational fear of specific physical movement. After 12 years of being told not to run, jump, or lunge, I realized that I had adopted a fear of these movements when in reality, my new knees are totally capable. We used a technique called graded motor imagery to slowly interpret these movements as safe. It was sooo strange to run for the first time in 12 years. I could hear my prosthetic knee clunking and groaning under the pressure. It took quite a few sessions, steps, and a lot of awkwardness and laughs, but eventually I got there. I can do these things! I now feel like my time in the gym is no longer about rehabilitation, but about building strength, and maintaining a healthy body. I feel a sense of freedom and am looking forward to maybe swinging a golf club this summer and taking longer hikes without the fear of "wrecking" my knees.
Overall, I feel like I've made excellent progress during the past 2 months. The nightmares are now decreasing in frequency and severity. I still have a long way to go, but I have the tools and awareness now to cope with pain flare ups and feelings of failure that creep into my brain. I'm proud of myself. I've worked so hard on my knees but have never spent this much time and energy working on my whole self. You know, I honestly thought that I could put the last 12 years behind me, but unfortunately, the brain often does not allow us to do this, regardless of how motivated one is to move forward. If this resonates with you, I highly recommend finding professional(s) who align with your beliefs/values and taking the time to acknowledge and work on it.
I'm very grateful to Evan, who encouraged me to reduce my working schedule to focus on working through everything over these past few months. I'm aware that many do not have that luxury.
Speaking of Ev, he acquired another Madabolic gym in John's Creek, an Atlanta suburb. For those of you who don't know what Ev actually does, he acquires gyms in the Madabolic franchise that are not thriving. He "fixes" them and runs them remotely. Think Gordon Ramsey "Kitchen Nightmares" but for gyms, and he continues to own the gym after the transformation. He now has 4 gyms across the US in Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, and Georgia. He also consults with gyms in North America.
He recently did a tour of his Madabolic gyms, and I was able to join him last week for the last few days of the tour, and to attend a beautiful wedding of a staff member at his Asheville location. It was a busy, whirlwind few days, but I really enjoyed the experience.
Firstly...TARGET. Need I say more?
Secondly...it was nice to meet the staff at Ev's gyms. He has so many incredible people working with him. That's key, given that he runs his gyms from Cayman. I can also see that they have a great amount of respect for Evan. I'm so proud of the communities that he has created within these gyms.
Finally, we got to spend a night at a "haunted" lake. Lake Lanier, Georgia, has a dark and controversial history. In the 1950's, a town called Oscarville, was flooded to create a lake to supply water and power to parts of Georgia. According to Google, the manner in which the land was purchased and flooded appears questionable, as many black families were displaced, and the ruins of the town were never demolished prior to the flooding. Apparently, graveyards were flooded prior to the removal of bodies and legend has it that the displaced souls pull swimmers and boaters below the surface, drowning them. This is supported by the fact that there have been 700 deaths on the lake since its construction in 1956, making it one of the deadliest lakes in America.
This sounded very romantic to us (ha!), so we decided to rent a cabin and spend a night on the lake. There were hundreds of boaters on this massive lake, participating in watersports galore. Surely if it was actually haunted, it wouldn't be so populated?
Ev and I sat on our lakefront deck, sipped some wine and listened to a podcast about the traumatic history of the lake. As we listened our cabin door suddenly creaked open...with nary a breeze! ;) We both audibly gasped, looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. This happened twice. Kinda eerie?
That night, I awoke briefly to the sound of a man talking. I assumed that someone had checked in to the cabin next to us and I fell back asleep. In the morning, it was apparent that we were the only ones staying in the cabins. So... perhaps it was one of my weird nightmares? Or unsettled souls attempting to get my attention? I'm not sure. Regardless, it was creepy.
Ironically, once we arrived back, safe and sound in Cayman, a massive rainfall almost caused our island to be submerged underwater. Hurricane season has begun! Cue the madness.
We're busy prepping for our annual trip back to Canada for the summer. It's always a stressful time, coordinating vet appointments and completing the pet paperwork for the export of our furry friends. I'm so looking forward to the moment that I step off the plane in Saskatoon and breathe in that fresh Sasky air - hopefully it won't be frigid Sasky air.
Cheers!
