May I present to you...

 Hey Friends,

It's been one month since my total hip replacement, and overall, I'm quite satisfied with the result. Firstly, I can't believe how much my initially horrid scar has shrunk and healed. I began to worry that I would frighten small children at the beach with my angry railroad across my thigh, but I actually think you could cover this sucker with some cute boy-short bottoms now. 

Secondly, the new hip has rarely caused me pain. One month post and I do not require any pain killers for the hip. (Aside: I do not judge people who require painkillers, this is just a "me" goal, given my history with pain meds). So that's cool... or hip, or whatever. The hip is enjoying rehab in the pool, in the gym, and is walking nicely with one crutch. I can squat, bike, one-legged bridge (boo-ya!) and even gently elliptical. It feels good. 

I've taken the new hip out to socialize, and although she got a bit grumpy after sitting for a long period, she enjoys being around people...and even kinda "danced" a little (more on that later). 

Introducing my hip to my friends!

I pissed her off once. Let me just state that I was totally in the wrong. I was told not to twist or torque my hip and as I was exiting my car to see one of my clients last week (Yes! I'm slowly returning to work!), I leaned over to grab my 3000 lb bag (crocodile dentists is soooo heavy) and tried to exit my car. I twisted my body, whilst holding the bag and my hip screamed out in pain - likely the most pain I've experienced since the surgery. It eventually dissipated, but you know, she was enraged with my thoughtlessness, and I respect that. 

Given the traits that the new hip has demonstrated over the past month, I've decided to bless her with a name. 

Drumroll...

um...DRUMROLL!

May I present to you....

(Sha)Kira!

You're probably wondering why the (Sha) is in parenthesis. You see, she has the potential to be Shakira quality, but she's currently a strong Kira. She needs to earn the (Sha). She's direct, tells it like it is - the hip don't lie, people (Sorry! Bad dad joke - couldn't resist). Also, I follow a fitness trainer online named Kira, and she is badass. My hip can be badass while awaiting rhythm. Perfecto. 

Just before I went under anesthetic on the operating table, I pleaded with my Ortho, "Can you please give me a dancing hip? Not like a white girl stiff Canadian dancing hip, but maybe like a rhythmic, flexible, Latina hip?" This caused quite a stir in the OR (I'm quite the entertainer on the operating table), and I was immediately silenced with propofol; however, I do believe that this hip has potential for rhythm. For now, it's a very stable, reliable, lovely hip, so I will take that. Great work, Kira!

Given that Kira was my 16th joint surgery in 12 years or so, I am very aware of my mental health pattern post-surgery. Typically, at the one-month mark, I hit a low and start to get down on myself. I think it's a combination of finally feeling well enough to start returning to regular life; yet, just not quite feeling well enough to fully participate. I decided to prepare for this inevitable mood drop by working on finding joy. This sounds so cheese, I know. But let me explain.

I've finally been acknowledged by the academy! ;)

Y'all know Hoda Kotb from the Today Show? I love her. She exudes joy and just seems like a good human. She retired last week, and I'm very sad to see her go. She talks a lot about finding joy in everyday things. She describes life as having exclamation marks. These are the "reel-worthy" moments like a new baby, a big vacay, a Taylor Swift concert. Exclamation marks in life are awesome. I love a good reel, and I love sharing these moments. Then there are the major lows in life - you've lost your job, someone near and dear to you has passed, your health is poor, etc. But in between the exclamation marks and the lows, are your "Wednesdays." You know how a Wednesday feels... it's just another blah day in the middle of the week. No major highs, no lows, a Wednesday is just a regular day. If you can find joy on your "Wednesdays," your life will be much more fulfilling. Gratitude - feeling grateful for small moments (scents, sights, feelings) is one of the key components to finding joy on a Wednesday. 

 It sounds simple, but it's really not. Firstly, social medial is mostly full of those "reel" moments. I'm not gonna lie, as I laid on my couch during the holiday season, ice on the hip, in my very quiet house, I scrolled though endless photos and videos of friends and family on incredible winter vacations, enjoying elaborate dinners with loads of people, and making magical holiday memories. Thoughts like, "I'm not good enough," "Maybe we should have had kids," "Everyone is having more fun than us," raced through my brain. Full disclosure, I find Christmas to be difficult sometimes because we don't have children, and the holiday is really about the kids, isn't it? I don't live with regrets, but Christmas tends to bring up these feelings. 

Instead of wallowing, I decided to make a conscious effort to notice all these little "glimmers" that were occurring around me. 

Let me give you an example:

On Christmas morning, I crutched out to the living room with my Paw Patrol and Ev. The Christmas tree lights were twinkling, Christmas music was playing in the background. The air smelled of spruce from the diffuser (Our poor Canadian Christmas tree was pretty much dead by December 20). We only had a few presents under the tree, but we slowly opened a few together. At one point, I was on the floor, showing Dilbert his stocking, and Ev came over to help me up. He pulled me up towards him and as "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" played in the background, we gently swayed to Frank Sinatra. It was Kira's first dance. I breathed in Ev's familiar scent as he held me close. We swayed for just a few minutes before he gently helped me back to the couch. Amongst the raised toilet seat and compression stockings, we found a touch of romance. It wasn't a "reel-worthy" exclamation mark; however, I'm positive that will be a core memory for me. I felt so loved and cared for. And for that little moment, I am incredibly grateful.

I'm also very grateful for my friendships. My friend, Anna, recently celebrated her 40th birthday. Anna is one of those friends who always shows up. Literally. I once asked if she could pick me up from physiotherapy after I had an intense vasovagal reaction and passed out. She rushed to me in the middle of her busy day (I'm not exactly sure what she does, but I know it's an important job), and she even offered to assist my limp body in the bathroom! Like who does that? Anna does. She also escorted me and participated in my hip staples removal. How did I get so lucky to score an Anna?

Anyway, many people feel the same way about Anna as I do, so a few friends even flew in from afar to attend her birthday. Our super fun friend, Emily, who lived on island during covid times flew in from Manhattan, and my OG island bestie, Kat, flew in from Miami.

I wasn't feeling great at that the time - just nearing the 3-week mark after surgery, but my goal was to reconnect with all my friends and attend a portion of this birthday. 

My island friends knew that I wasn't super mobile, so they all came to me for happy hour! It was so awesome. This was an exclamation point moment! I gave Kira a little champagne, and just so enjoyed chatting with Andrea, Rach, and Sash again. Yay! I was feeling almost human! At one point, I looked around the room, and instead of worrying about my "frat-house" decor or my sad charcuterie board, I thought about how much support there was for me in that room. These people showed up for me. 

I did manage to attend Anna's fabulous 40th and enjoyed myself. At one point, Kira danced a little to Sean Paul, which I think is a great sign that she will eventually earn the "Sha". Although I was stiff and sore after attending the party, I felt so accomplished, and my heart was full after reconnecting with all me peeps again. 

One of my buds commented, "You have friends who really care about you." I took that in. I really took that all in. I do. I don't have a ton of friends; however, I truly feel like the friendships I have are strong and have stood the test of time and distance. I know that this isn't the case for everyone. I truly am grateful for my incredible friendships. 

It's not all fairy tales and butterflies, my friends. I'm still experiencing some lows. My ankle is not doing well carrying the weight of my other two titanium joints. I am concerned. I am anemic and frequently "see black" when I stand up quickly. I'm awaiting approval from my insurance provider for an iron infusion. My other hip is catching and locking up. These are all troublesome. Worrying is in my blood (the blood with very low iron), and although gratitude and joy reduce the worry, it is still there, pushed deep down to the dark place that only my psychotherapist can access. Note to self: book a Psych appointment. Ha!

But...my tea tastes perfect today (Y'all know I have a very complicated relationship with tea!), I can now roll over onto my side when I'm sleeping, I am able to shower independently, and I can take Dilbert for short walks. So that's cool. 

Cheers to finding "glimmers" of joy on your Wednesdays! Highly recommend. 

New Hip Era

 Hey Friends!

Last we spoke I was preparing to "Shake it off" with Tay Tay prior to receiving a new hip. It's been exactly 2 weeks since my total hip replacement, so the jury is still out; however, I'll share my experience thus far. 

Firstly, Taylor Swift was unbelievably awesome! Admittedly, I wouldn't classify myself as a "Swiftie." I'm a fan, think she's very talented, and favor her Reputation Era. However, once I was amongst 60,000 people, all singing EVERY SINGLE WORD to every single song, I gained a realization as what it actually means to be a "Swiftie." FYI: My sister, Kayla, meets the criteria. ;) 

Everyone at that concert was absolutely living his/her best life. The outfits on the fans were unreal. People went all out! Girls had replicated Taylor's concert looks (bodysuits in 8 degrees!), created interesting T-shirts, even wrapped faux snakes around the body. Everywhere you went, fans were complimenting each other's fits - it was definitely a no-judgement zone. I loved how everyone was trading friendship bracelets - even police officers and security guards. One super fan climbed the stairs to reach a little girl behind us, saying, "I saw you and thought this little bracelet would fit your wrist." The stadium was filled with joy, kindness, acceptance, and anticipation. It was inspiring to be a part of that. Isn't it incredible that one phenomenal performer can generate that much positivity? We need more of that in our world. 

As expected, Taylor put on an unbelievable show. It felt quite emotional, as it was the very last show of her 2-year Eras Tour. At one point in the show, Taylor paused for applause, 60,000 people sang Happy Birthday to her, and we all watched her soak it all in for about 5 minutes with tear-filled eyes amidst the roaring crowd. Her dancers held each other tight, and I couldn't help but be swept away with emotion, knowing that these people have worked so hard together for 2 years, and it was all coming to an end. 

I haven't been back to Vancouver in over 20 years! I really enjoyed reuniting with my aunt, uncle, and cousins who live in Vancouver, and don't get the opportunity to see regularly in the summer.  In addition, it was so great to catch up with bud from my Victoria Hospital days in PA. Colleen scored us the tickets over a year ago, and it was so nice of her to share those coveted tickets with me and my sister. Kayla and I had so much (we always do). We took some Santa pics for our dad, toured around Vancouver, and just enjoyed hanging out. I love being with my sister. 

I arrived back on island exhausted, but full of happiness, and ready to take on joint surgery #16 - the first time my hip got in the action.  

My mom arrived the day before my surgery. I am so thankful that she took time away from her winter vacay life in California to help out. Her week here was definitely NOT a vacation, as she spent most of it either freezing in the hospital chair, putting cold cloths on my head, or running around fetching me meds, pillows, clothes, food, etc. 

Overall, the surgery went well. It took place at a private hospital in Cayman called Health City. Health City is part of Narayana Health, an Indian private hospital network headquartered in Bangalore, India. The majority of the healthcare professionals are of Indian descent, which was different than my last experiences in public health in Cayman, where the staff varied from Caribbean to American to Filipino. My experience is that every culture has a unique way of providing care, including the Indian culture at Health City. 

My nurses were very gentle, soft-spoken, and kind. I heard, "It's ok It's ok" about 30 times during my 2-day stay. Most of the time it was ok, but a few times it was not, and hearing "it's Ok it's ok" was a bit frustrating. My impression was that everyone was very rule-based, which I appreciate. If a med needed to be delivered at 5pm, it was delivered at 5pm. I rarely waited for a nurse to attend to me when needed and felt very cared for during my stay. I also scored a very large private room, which was a nice surprise. 

Typically, I awaken from anesthetic on a total adrenaline high. My MO is to wake up in recovery, sit straight up, and start chatting manically with anyone who is willing to talk with me. I generally wake up feeling like I could conquer the world, then crash and burn 6-12 hours later. This experience was much different. I awoke very groggy and quite low in mood and energy. Interestingly, I've felt this way the entire 2-weeks post-surgery as well. Also, I woke up feeling very ill and spent the first 15-hours post-surgery retching into my kidney basin. I sniffed peppermint, swished the anesthesia flavor out of my mouth with toothpaste, and hung on tight to that basin for dear life...until, thankfully, the nausea slowly dissipated the next day. I also cried off-and-on for the first few days. I wasn't really sure why I was crying. This is new. Like did my hip come with feelings? The hip was still frozen from the nerve block, and to be honest, I felt very little pain, requiring no narcotics/opioids post-surgery, which was my goal, given my icky reactions to those drugs. 

My surgeon came to see me the day after my surgery. I like him. He's calm, quiet and very thorough. He shared pictures of my shitty hip and stated that the damage to my hip and cartilage was not "typical." He explained that the hip they were planning to install, the dual-mobility hip, was too large for my not-so-child-bearing hips; however, the prosthesis placement was "textbook" (He used that word about 4 times, so I'm inclined to believe this is great news). 

Although I felt quite awful from the nausea, I quickly jumped into the role of awesome patient in the hope of being discharged earlier than planned. I sat up straight in bed, wiped the vomit off my chin, performed my bed exercises for him, and assured Dr. Alwin that I was worthy of an early discharge. He agreed and I was able to tolerate the long drive home from Health City in East End (about an hour from my house). 

The first 3 days were hard. Although the pain was manageable with paracetamol (Tylenol), I found it difficult to get comfortable. Laying, sitting, and sleeping were challenging. I caught a cold, which felt like a big kick in the ass. Coughing all night just added to my inability to sleep. 

My hemoglobin dropped from the blood loss, and although it didn't decrease to the level that warrants a blood transfusion like it did with my knee replacement, the level continues to make me feel weak and low in energy and mood. Iron supplements do not agree with my digestive system, so I'm still trying to increase my hemoglobin by ingesting iron-rich foods.

Funny enough, the worst pain has come from my attention-craving knee. You'd think the titanium knee would offer to take some of the weight off the hip, but it's been crying out for attention in the form of nerve pain. Nerve pain is the worst. It feels like a sniper suddenly targets you with an electric shock to the joint. My poor ankle (the only OG joint remaining on that side of my lower body) is currently sore and carrying the team as well. Thoughts and prayers to my ankle. 

So far, the rehab has been much easier than the knees. There are no specific milestones, like extension and flexion, that need to be hit right away. I've been told just standing and walking is what the hip really wants right now. I'm also able to do abduction exercises, bridge, get up off the floor, and have been doing abs and push-ups (from my knees) a few times a day. 

My biggest issue is currently my inability to bathe. It's now been 14 days without a proper shower/bath, and although I'm washing my hair in the sink and sponge-bathing daily, I just really really want a shower. My staples come out today and as long as everything looks good, I should be allowed to bathe on January 3. Never ever underestimate the ability to bathe, my friends! Speaking of the staples, I was quite surprised by the size of my incision. It's pretty gnarly! I was told that with this new anterior approach my bikini would cover the scar, but I don't currently own a bikini, or know of a bikini, that will cover that sucker. In fact, my hip scar is one footlong sub away from colliding with my knee scar! I might require long tassels on that bikini. (No worries, I will not post my incision pic here. DM me for a "hip pic" ;) 

We had a quiet Christmas. Stacey and Charlene came over on Christmas eve and we cooked a turkey together and watched Christmas movies (yes, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie). It was exactly what I needed that day. Dilbert has morphed into Kevin Costner a la Bodyguard era.  It's quite comical how he will not leave my side, escorts me to and from the bathroom, and checks all preparation in the kitchen to ensure that no one is poisoning me. What a good friend...or psycho-stalker Single White Female-ish? 

So that's the update. Everything is fine. I'm just kinda floating through the days right now in a daze, hoping that my mood and energy increase soon. I've definitely had worse surgery experiences; however, each surgery is increasingly harder on my body, I know that I need to begin pursuing a referral to a Geneticist and I know that there will be more surgeries in my future. I'm trying to practice gratitude, and I am thankful that everything has been "textbook," but I am just so tired and frankly, over it. 

Cheers to a healthy and safe 2025. 

My hips don't lie

 Hey friends!

It's been awhile (Did you just hear 2008 hit by Staind? I'm currently in my "vintage" music era. You've been warned). 

I've been a bit quiet and holding out/hiding out as I process some news. 

Last we spoke, I was explaining that I did something weird to my back that prevented my body from reaching vertical status. That back injury, my friends, was what they refer to in the literary world as "foreshadowing." 

The back pain turned into groin pain, and eventually into hip pain. I went to my trusted Physiotherapist and asked him to check things out. During the assessment, we both heard my hip click and then catch. It yelled out in pain, the hip clicked again and released. My heart sank. I know what catching and locking means. It's all related to my shitty cartilage. My physio was sympathetic but directed me to pursue an MRI as soon as possible and provided me with strengthening exercises and stretches to help ease the pain. 

For the next few weeks, I kept all of this information inside - my little secret. I told Ev but argued that I wouldn't worry anyone else until I got MRI results. That, in retrospect, was a bad idea. 

I suffered a severe IBS flare up, which, for me, is always linked to stress. My stomach protested anytime I put food into it, and I spent a few sleepless nights, either tossing and turning in bed or in the bathroom wishing I hadn't consumed food that day. It was the pits. 

"I am in misery. There ain't nobody that can comfort me" - Maroon 5

My psychologist questioned why I was keeping this information about my health a secret, and all that I could think of was that I felt bad about disappointing people. The past summer was one of the best summers for me, physically. My posse noticed, commenting, "It's so good to see you back!" It felt like a victory for all of us, given the fact that so many have supported me through the ups and downs of the past 12 years. I pictured the faces of my loved ones as I told them the cartilage disease was back, and all I could see was disappointment...and fatigue. Everyone is tired of hearing about my cartilage. I felt like I had let everyone down. 

Once I talked this through with my psych, I realized that I needed to externalize all these thoughts that were driving me crazy. I typically do that through this blog, which is so cathartic for me, but I wasn't ready to discuss it on a public forum yet. So, I started with my mom. My fabulous mom, my biggest cheerleader, who has been my right-hand woman through all my surgeries listened quietly as I shared my news. Obviously, she felt bad/sad for me, and we both lamented how unfair all of this was...but then we talked about making a plan, selecting a good surgeon, and moving forward. I felt so much better after unloading this information. I'm sure it added to my mom's stress that day, but I know my mom just wants to be there and help me through this. Thank you, mom, for taking some of that off my chest...or my bowel or whatever. 

I found myself back in the MRI tube, pleasantly and mildly sedated on Ativan (no cativan this time, friends!) The familiar sound of the clicking, honking, and banging of the MRI machine jived nicely with the song that repeated in my head,

 "Here I go again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known." - Whitesnake

I held out a tiny bit of hope that the issue could be a very fixable labral tear, but I was prepared for the results that appeared in my inbox a few days later...I had multiple grade 4 articular cartilage defects in the femoral head of my hip. A contralateral view indicated the other hip was also in bad shape. Ugh. 

I have the benefit this time around of private insurance. Although this means I have a co-pay, in addition to insanely high annual fees, I "get to" select my own doctors. I knew that I needed someone who would listen, consider my extensive medical history, and forgo the sexy cartilage replacement surgeries that were not previously effective in treating my knees. I had seen Dr. Alwin for a knee consult post knee replacement and really liked his quiet confident demeanor, knew he was top in his field for joint replacements, and decided to pursue him. 

I waited 5 weeks for the consult, and during those 5 weeks, I watched and felt my body deteriorate before my eyes. It SUCKED. Instead of disappointing everyone around me, I just felt incredibly disappointed in myself. How did I go from e-foiling like a champ just a few weeks ago to barely being able to get myself to a standing position? I finally experienced a taste of freedom, and it was being taken away from me...again. I knew that self-compassion was what I needed, but every time that I looked at myself in the mirror, all that I saw was a loser with a defective body. How do you not view yourself as "defective" when the word "defect" is found in each and every MRI report you've ever read about your body? Isn't it crazy how fast you can turn on yourself? During this time, Ev was in Asheville, navigating a business during one of the worst natural disasters in history. Wifi was sporadic, so we weren't able to communicate much. I felt really bad for what he was dealing with, terrible for the people who lost loved ones and homes, and I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself and my stupid hip. Oddly, I never really sat down and grieved this new plot twist in my life. Instead, I began projecting my sadness onto other random things. One day as I was driving, I ugly cried for at least 15-minutes over a cow that had been left standing in a flooded pasture. That poor poor cow. (I also would like to apologize to the lady who witnessed me bawling in the Foster's parking lot). Ya...they weren't the best of times, that's for sure. 

"I tried so hard and got so far...in the end it doesn't even matter." - Linkin Park

I finally met with Dr. Alwin on Friday. (Aside: I'm fully aware that a 5-week wait is incredibly swift compared to my fellow Canadians who wait months for a consult witd h a specialist. Don't come at me, public health care recipients!) He was calm and confident, just as I remembered him. He listened intently to my 12-year history, raising his eyebrows a few times in surprise ("You had Serotonin Syndrome??" I loooove impressing doctors with my medical anomalies), and then proceeded to show me the images of my shitty hip, as well as her not-as-shitty partner. After x-rays and discussion, we quickly agreed that a total hip replacement was the only option. He showed me his fancy dual mobility implant, along with the porous cap that they 3D print to ensure the bone grows into the implant. He explained his anterior entry approach (which I had read is the most current with the fastest recovery data), and we selected a date of Dec. 16. Merry Christmas to me. I gently requested a bilateral hip replacement - why not get them both done at once? Maybe slot the ankles in for Valentine's Day? Let's really mess with the TSA security screen.  But he suggested taking one at a time, and suspects that the other hip may hold on for a bit longer once the evil hip is removed.

 "Hold on for one more day." - Wilson Phillips. 

So... I have a plan. I'm currently struggling with pain relief. I'm opting for massages, chiropractic care, physio, movement, nostalgic music/shows, and a glass of wine here and there, as opposed to the opioids that are effective, but turn me into a numb blob. I can do this. It's only a month away. I am so so so thankful that I switched jobs when I did. I'm grateful that Evan is such a smart cookie, growing his businesses to a place where we don't need to rely on my income to support our lifestyle. My new schedule allows for enough down-time in between clients and long weekends to recover. My new employers/teammates have been nothing but kind and understanding and are willing to help me through this with little or no disruption to my clients. What a relief. This is not my fault. It's taken over a decade for me to fully realize this. 

Finally, I'm pursuing a referral to a Geneticist. I want to learn more about the composition of my cartilage, and why this is happening to me. Now that it's moved from my knees to my hips, which is extremely rare (the story of my life), I'm experiencing increased fear about my future and prognosis. I think more information is needed. 

 Another surgery (#16), another joint - surely, I've been dealt these cards for a reason. But seriously, how many more life lessons do I need to absorb? I am resilient. I am strong. I will get through this, just as I have in the past. Also...I'm going to Taylor Swift's final concert of the Eras Tour in Vancouver with my sister and Canadian work wife a week before my surgery. I can only fathom how incredible this concert is going to be! What an amazing send-off for my shitty unwell hip (Practicing self-compassion). 

"Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit. They said babe you gotta fake it 'til you make it, and I did." - TayTay

Cute pose? or...just trying to hold my body together?

Insert inspirational quote about stormy skies making best sunsets.

The "go for it" summer

 Hey Friends,

Can you believe that summer is almost over? It definitely FEELS like the middle of summer here in Cayman, where the humidity index is still in the 90's and there's a thunderstorm at least five times a day!

We returned back to Cayman after 2 months at Candle Lake, Saskatchewan. For the first time in about 13 years, I experienced a "go for it" summer. 

We are taught that pain is an indication to stop an activity. If something really hurts, you probably shouldn't do it, as it might be causing further damage. When I was diagnosed with my cartilage disease about 13 years ago, I was given a list of activities/movements that I needed to avoid in order to slow the process of the disease. I was told no torque movements like swinging a golf club, racquet, or paddle. I was told no high impact activities like jumping or running. I was told to limit the number of steps I was taking in a day. I was told to stop when I felt pain, elevate and ice. These restrictions and warnings were forefront in my brain for the past 13 years. Although my disease progressed and I endured surgery after surgery, I didn't want to be the one responsible for making things worse. 

Now that I have two prosthetic knees, things have changed. 

My right knee continues to be "off." We know that it's larger than my left, and the size is limiting my extension and causing pain. My super awesome team of therapists and doctors have assured me that I can't make it worse. This is just how it is. I was told, for the very first time in 13 years, to "go for it" this summer. My physiotherapist, who worked through my kinesiophobia (fear of movement) with me, suggested that I pick and choose what I'm willing to experience pain for. For example, I hate running - so no sense in causing pain doing something that I don't like. On the other hand, he suggested I might sacrifice some pain to play pickleball, a sport that I've been longing to get back into. 

So that's what I did. I went for it!

I played pickleball with Kayla and her friends. Initially, I thought that I was pretty awesome because Kayla and I were winning all of our matches, but once I played singles and began losing horribly, I realized that Kayla was the reason that we were winning all of our doubles matches. Haha! She's got really long limbs!

I surfed as much as I could. I really enjoyed some morning surfs with my besties, the Hunters. And I loved witnessing my little bud, Harper (age 6), learn how to surf independently, singing our favorite song, "The Sign" the entire time (90's pop. A girl after my own heart!)

I two-stepped, I polka-d, I "Kirstie danced" (tipsy happy jumping with a lot of upper arm action) the night away at Farmfest with my super fun aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

I fully participated in shark week festivities this year, completing the incredible shark cage relay, winning the Can Jam cup with Linds, and dancing (jumping?) the night away on the back of Rick's boat with some of my favorite people in this world! ("To the window - to the wall!") ;) 

I went on long walks, long bike rides, and long stand-up paddles through forests and creeks. 

I tried new workouts that incorporated some jumping and lunging (2 things I was told NEVER to do previously). 

I even E-foiled for the first time! Our friend, Matt, brought over his E-foils and I was able to quickly get up and even fly a little, watching fish swim just below the surface. I loved it so much that I demo'd a board as soon as we returned to Cayman!

Yes, I hurt after each of these activities. The pain now radiates into my hip because my entire right side of my body is "off" with this ill-fitting prosthetic knee. But you know what? It was totally worth it. It felt good. I don't feel like I "lost" 13 years of my life, but man, parts of it were definitely on hold. My 30's, when most people still feel limber and agile, were a bit of a mess for me. I learned some life lessons that have shaped who I am today, but let's be honest, I missed out. I intend to make up for lost time. 

You know what was even better than having a "go for it" summer? Sharing it with my people. 

One of my greatest fears about moving to Cayman 10 years ago was losing these strong and meaningful connections with friends and family back in Canada. There's something so fulfilling about returning after a year away and picking right back up where you left off with the people you love. Whether it was serious in-depth conversations about family and work, silly, laughter-filled chats about diary entries from 2001, or just sitting quietly with the people you love and watching the geese float by, every interaction was gratifying. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone, but I know we'll pick up again next summer (or...come and visit! Anytime!)

Paw patrol killed it for the second year in a row. They traveled like pros and thoroughly enjoyed their summer at the lake. Stevie spent hours on the deck "hunting" birds and insects (and there were a LOT of insects this summer, unfortunately). Dilbert loved his long morning walks and the fresh air. Our return to island was a bit messy with canceled West Jet flights and rerouting that added about 8 hours to our trip, but the pets were troopers and hung in there for a long journey! 

We're back into our island routine and I have begun a new and exciting part-time temporary job in addition to my work with Achieve Cayman. I am covering a maternity leave for a speech-language pathologist with HSA (public health). I'm seeing a diverse group of patients (mostly adult) with a variety of diagnoses such as voice disorders, stroke, dementia, brain tumors, etc. I've only completed my first few weeks, but I'm absolutely loving it! My brain kicked into high gear, attempting to remember the neuro anatomy and treatment plans for each diagnosis. It was a bit scary, super challenging, and felt very rewarding. I feel like I'm going to be a very well-rounded clinician through this experience. I'm excited to continue this position a few days a week until December. 

There's the update! I hope everyone transitions nicely into sweater weather and pumpkin spiced everything. 

Cheers!

Addendum:

Ironically, my "go for it summer" ended abruptly this week with an injury. I know what you're saying, "It was the pickleball! It's the damn pickleball." No, no, it wasn't the pickleball that got me. I literally hurt myself standing up. Wednesday, after a full day of patients (and too much sitting), I went to stand up to leave at the end of the day and my body could not reach vertical status. Pain seared in my lower back/hip, and I awkwardly tried to play it cool in front of my new (and much younger colleagues). As everyone said their farewells for the day, I didn't want to alarm my new co-workers, so I pretended to search my purse for my keys to remain in the hunched over position that I was only capable of achieving. So, you know, I searched for my keys as I said goodbye to the other therapists, searched for my keys as I painfully descended the stairs, and searched for my keys as I bid the security guard a good night. I drove home hugging my steering wheel, with my face barely over the windshield, hoping to remain anonymous. Thankfully, I have a great chiro who was able to put my SI joint back into alignment. I will start again with Physio this week. Apparently, I'm at the age and fitness level where my joints just randomly fall out of place whilst performing regular human functions like standing. Awesome. I'm definitely not 100% yet (maybe 25%), and the only thing I'm "going for" is gentle pool stretching. I'm sure there's a lesson here...like go for it, but maybe like go for it-ish? I'm not sure but will keep you updated. 

Night terrors and haunted lakes - relaxation at its finest!

 Hey friends,

It's been a busy few months since we last chatted!

I'm slowly transitioning into my new role with Achieve Cayman. I've been seeing students in private schools and homes. Everyone has been very supportive, and it's been a positive experience thus far. I'm looking forward to really getting into it and acquiring more adult patients when I return to Cayman after our summer in Canada.

More notably, however, are the changes within me over the past few months. As you know, I was coming to terms with the fact that my right knee replacement is larger than desired and will likely continue to cause pain, given that I am unable to get full extension. I was like, "Ok fine. This is what it is. I'm ready to move on." My body, on the other hand, wasn't having that and I started experiencing some interesting things.

For those of you who know me well, know that I dream very vividly, and enjoy discussing the meaning behind my dreams. As a child I experienced recurring "night terrors," where I awoke crying/screaming, and difficult to soothe. A few months ago, these "night terrors" reappeared 40 years later with a very specific theme. I began dreaming about things that I witnessed during the surgeries for which I was conscious. 

My first 6 knee surgeries were performed in the OR with a spinal. I was alert, but unable to feel a thing. This method was recommended and preferred by me due to the nausea I always experience post anesthetic. In fact, during the "conscious" surgeries, I was very calm, curious, and thought it was quite interesting to see my knees via the interoperative cameras. I felt like an active participant in my surgeries. 

Unfortunately, now that it's all over and I'm ready to move forward, my brain has begun replaying those memories to me, in a horrifying manner during the night. I see the cartilage literally falling off my bone as the surgeon probed it with his surgical tools and I feel the pressure and hear the hammering, chiseling, and noises in the OR that, frankly, didn't bother me at all in real time. I awaken screaming, drenched in sweat, heart pounding, often in the middle of freakin' panic attack. Like, c'mon, we're really going to do this now? So dramatic!

I decided that I needed some help, so I enlisted the expertise of a Physiotherapist who specializes in chronic pain as well as a Psychotherapist who specializes in pain and trauma. I threw myself into 8-weeks of intense therapy sessions, with lots of "homework" in between sessions. Aside: I think that first step, seeking help, is such a huge step. I commend everyone who has been there. 

I won't bore you with all of the details, but it was a lot of hard work and some unpleasant/uncomfortable conversations. I'm not a fan of discussing my feelings; however, my team immediately recognized that I'm a huge fan of neuropsychology and were able to frame things in a manner that appealed to me. For example, talking about my fears helped to move memories from my overactive amygdala to my frontal lobe where I can analyze it in a rational manner. On a weekly basis, I worked on increasing my understanding the neuroscience of pain and participating in activities to retrain/rewire my brain such as goal writing, a lot of guided meditation, and accepting that pain will always be a part of my life. 
The meditation was relevant to what I was experiencing, such as pain meditation and self-compassion meditation. I finally felt a sense of relaxation, which I've never fully experienced before, and didn't think was possible.  

I greatly increased my awareness about how my inner voice speaks to myself. I realized that I viewed my 12 years of surgeries and recoveries as "failures" - specifically, my failure to have successful outcomes. Because of this, I was associating flare ups with failures, and I often condemn myself for feeling pain. Self-kindness has been the most challenging skill for me to learn, and I'm still working hard at it. Surely, we can all work on this. 

I learned through the Physiotherapist that I was experiencing kinesiophobia - an irrational fear of specific physical movement. After 12 years of being told not to run, jump, or lunge, I realized that I had adopted a fear of these movements when in reality, my new knees are totally capable. We used a technique called graded motor imagery to slowly interpret these movements as safe. It was sooo strange to run for the first time in 12 years. I could hear my prosthetic knee clunking and groaning under the pressure. It took quite a few sessions, steps, and a lot of awkwardness and laughs, but eventually I got there. I can do these things! I now feel like my time in the gym is no longer about rehabilitation, but about building strength, and maintaining a healthy body. I feel a sense of freedom and am looking forward to maybe swinging a golf club this summer and taking longer hikes without the fear of "wrecking" my knees. 

Overall, I feel like I've made excellent progress during the past 2 months. The nightmares are now decreasing in frequency and severity.  I still have a long way to go, but I have the tools and awareness now to cope with pain flare ups and feelings of failure that creep into my brain. I'm proud of myself. I've worked so hard on my knees but have never spent this much time and energy working on my whole self. You know, I honestly thought that I could put the last 12 years behind me, but unfortunately, the brain often does not allow us to do this, regardless of how motivated one is to move forward. If this resonates with you, I highly recommend finding professional(s) who align with your beliefs/values and taking the time to acknowledge and work on it. 

I'm very grateful to Evan, who encouraged me to reduce my working schedule to focus on working through everything over these past few months. I'm aware that many do not have that luxury. 

Speaking of Ev, he acquired another Madabolic gym in John's Creek, an Atlanta suburb. For those of you who don't know what Ev actually does, he acquires gyms in the Madabolic franchise that are not thriving. He "fixes" them and runs them remotely. Think Gordon Ramsey "Kitchen Nightmares" but for gyms, and he continues to own the gym after the transformation. He now has 4 gyms across the US in Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, and Georgia. He also consults with gyms in North America. 

He recently did a tour of his Madabolic gyms, and I was able to join him last week for the last few days of the tour, and to attend a beautiful wedding of a staff member at his Asheville location. It was a busy, whirlwind few days, but I really enjoyed the experience. 

Firstly...TARGET. Need I say more? 

Secondly...it was nice to meet the staff at Ev's gyms. He has so many incredible people working with him. That's key, given that he runs his gyms from Cayman.  I can also see that they have a great amount of respect for Evan. I'm so proud of the communities that he has created within these gyms. 

Finally, we got to spend a night at a "haunted" lake. Lake Lanier, Georgia, has a dark and controversial history. In the 1950's, a town called Oscarville, was flooded to create a lake to supply water and power to parts of Georgia. According to Google, the manner in which the land was purchased and flooded appears questionable, as many black families were displaced, and the ruins of the town were never demolished prior to the flooding.  Apparently, graveyards were flooded prior to the removal of bodies and legend has it that the displaced souls pull swimmers and boaters below the surface, drowning them. This is supported by the fact that there have been 700 deaths on the lake since its construction in 1956, making it one of the deadliest lakes in America. 

This sounded very romantic to us (ha!), so we decided to rent a cabin and spend a night on the lake. There were hundreds of boaters on this massive lake, participating in watersports galore. Surely if it was actually haunted, it wouldn't be so populated?

Ev and I sat on our lakefront deck, sipped some wine and listened to a podcast about the traumatic history of the lake. As we listened our cabin door suddenly creaked open...with nary a breeze! ;) We both audibly gasped, looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. This happened twice.  Kinda eerie? 

That night, I awoke briefly to the sound of a man talking. I assumed that someone had checked in to the cabin next to us and I fell back asleep. In the morning, it was apparent that we were the only ones staying in the cabins. So... perhaps it was one of my weird nightmares? Or unsettled souls attempting to get my attention? I'm not sure. Regardless, it was creepy. 

Ironically, once we arrived back, safe and sound in Cayman, a massive rainfall almost caused our island to be submerged underwater. Hurricane season has begun! Cue the madness.  

We're busy prepping for our annual trip back to Canada for the summer. It's always a stressful time, coordinating vet appointments and completing the pet paperwork for the export of our furry friends. I'm so looking forward to the moment that I step off the plane in Saskatoon and breathe in that fresh Sasky air - hopefully it won't be frigid Sasky air. 

Cheers!

Every little thing is gonna be alright

 

Hey Friends,

I've had a really eventful April! 

Have you ever been in a bad funk where you felt like things just would never get better? I felt that in March. A lot of that was a result of weaning off of medication and struggling to accept that my knee is what it is -  and throw in the uncertainty of leaving a job after 10 years.  I truly felt hopelessness and despair for multiple weeks.  It's interesting how that voice inside your head tells you that things will never get better - and you believe it. I'm glad that I trudged through and made it out the other side. April took a complete 180 turn, and I'm feeling so much better about life, in general...and about my future. I'm documenting this because I hope that if I ever feel that despair again, this post will serve to remind me (and anyone else out there that feels it) that hopelessness will pass. There will be better days. 

I completed my last day of work with the Department of Education before Easter break. My "farewell tour" was so satisfying. My colleagues made me feel so incredibly special, loved, and appreciated. Ten years is a long time in Cayman - probably equivalent to our 25 in Canada, given that the island is so transient. We counted 6 colleagues who had outlasted me in our department (sounds like "Survivor" - kinda is). There were times during my goodbyes that I questioned whether or not I was making the right decision. But when my last day came and went, I knew the decision was made and was able to walk away feeling OK-ish about it, which was a bit surprising. I expected to feel elated. I think it will take time. 

A surprise from East End Primary!

My incredible colleagues from Student Services

Once I had a chance to catch my breath, Ev and I did a little island hopping for Easter break. Although, I wouldn't call it a "hop," but more of a "leap" to jump all the way over the Barbados and then St. Lucia. 

I know many of you are wondering why we would vacation on a Caribbean island when we live on a Caribbean island, but hear me out. As far as Caribbean islands go, I would describe Cayman as being more "Americanized" than other islands. I love the comfort of living on an island that has solid roadways, banking system (I can use my credit card everywhere), and modern conveniences like a movie theatre and large supermarkets. However, I was longing for a little getaway with a real "island feel." I wanted to buy local rum from a beach hut and adventure down shitty back roads to see views I had never seen before. 

Barbados and St. Lucia definitely fulfilled this need!

Barbados is the Eastern most island in the Caribbean, bordering the Atlantic Ocean. It's a 3.5 hour flight from Cayman, and we were able to skip the layover in Miami (Worst. Airport. Ever), and get a direct flight. Barbados is 2.5 times bigger than Cayman and more varied geographically and topographically. We opted to begin our stay near the St. Lawrence Gap, which is a bustling tourist area on the west side of the island. We finished our stay in Barbados at a beautiful resort on the southeastern coast of Barbados. The beaches are beautiful, and the water is crystal clear, but to be honest, my favorite part of our Barbados adventure was renting a car and driving to the Atlantic side of the island. The east coast of Barbados is more rugged, with dramatic rock formations and unspoiled beaches and bath pools. Although there were a few times we found ourselves on "roads" that may or may not have been traversable,  we found the locals to be very friendly, and never felt unsafe or at risk. 

Interesting fact: Barbados is one of two islands in the Caribbean that have monkeys! They are an invasive species (probably stowed away in a cargo ship at some point), and are destroying the agriculture in Barbados! Farmers are no longer able to grow fruit, as the monkeys are eating everything! Apparently the monkey population has expanded to around 60,000! We saw a few on our travels. They looked sneaky and shifty-eyed. 

Bathsheba, Barbados

such a tourist move. 

We then hopped on a puddle-jumper to St. Lucia. It was a short 30-minute flight from Barbados. We stayed in an airbnb in an area called Marigot Bay. I loved the location! Our room had an expansive balcony nestled on the side of a lush tree-filled hills, overlooking the quaint little bay. We spent many hours drinking wine and watching catamarans float in and out of the bay. 

St. Lucia was more "wild" than Barbados. Although there are multiple luxurious resorts, the island felt less developed, lined with small fishing villages and rum shacks dotting the coastline.  We opted to rent a car again and adventure on our own. The roads were windy and narrow. We dodged pot holes while winding up, down, and around dramatic hillsides. We found the locals to be more direct, following us and attempting to sell us their wares. It was blatantly obvious that St. Lucia is a much poorer country, and the locals are hustling to make cash off of tourists. I did get myself into a bit of trouble one evening. I was pleasantly buzzed on rum punches, watching the sun set over Marigot Bay and two local mean approached me, asking if I wanted to "have fun." "Ya! I love to have fun!" I responded happily. Ev returned and informed me that they were trying to sell me drugs. Oops. Shall I tell them I only take prescription medication from respected physicians? Ha!

My favorite site in St. Lucia was the majestic pitons that rise from the ocean. I managed to partake in a hike (go knees!) to gaze a breathtaking view of the pitons, followed the next day by a beautiful water view from our water taxi. We splashed in beautiful waterfalls and chilled on dark volcanic beaches. The scenery was breathtaking. So was the rum. I drank a lot of rum. A LOT. It was glorious. They even had a "rum taxi" that scooted around to beaches creating tasty rum cocktails for beach-goers. What a concept! The rum definitely helped when my knees protested post hike. 

The view from our balcony in Marigot Bay

Hike to view the pitons

Pitons from the water

Can you see the ridiculous photoshoot behind me? Girl missed an epic sunset. 

The holiday felt like it was customized to my needs and wants in that exact moment. I spent a week mesmerized by beautiful views, lightly buzzed in a rum punch haze... with my Evan. Awesomeness.

I returned ready to start new and immediately announced my new venture!

I have joined Achieve Cayman, a family-centered therapy service, which consists of two fabulous women, Trisha,  a Speech-Language Pathologist, and Teena, a Speech-Language Pathologist/Counseling Psychologist,  with whom I have worked and immensely respect. This is so exciting! I'm going to continue providing Speech Therapy to children, but hope to expand my services to include the adult population. As many of you know, I worked with the adult population in Saskatchewan and absolutely loved it. I can't wait to dive back into strokes, neurological disorders, dysphagia (swallowing), and even corporate speech pathology! It feels like I'm beginning a whole new phase of my life, after drowning in a challenging work environment and enduring surgery after surgery for so many years. I finally came up for air, took a look around, and felt safe enough to make some changes. 

I decided to top this all off with an epic birthday celebration. I've spent the last 3 birthdays post-op, feeling rough, and unable to celebrate in the manner that I would have liked. So I decided to go for it this, my 45th year, and booked a party bus to transport me and my buds on a pub crawl. 

My OG island bestie, Kat, flew down from Miami to celebrate. Having her here meant the world to me. I just relished being in her presence and was instantly whisked back in time to 10 years ago when everything felt so fun, new and carefree. This party bus was comical. It fit 25 people - we were a party of 12, so we basically had a giant bus as a dance floor.  I remember "Getting Low" with Lil Jon, belting out "Sweet Caroline" with the band at Peppers, and dancing to Miley Cyrus at Mango Tree. I danced until my knee seized up (and broke my sandal...TWICE), sang until I lost my voice, laughed until my belly ached, and just thoroughly enjoyed a fun-filled evening with my incredible people. The next morning was another story, with some missing memories,  but it was worth it. Evan said to me, "I haven't seen you that happy in years." Awww. It feels so good to feel joy again. 

Reunited! My OG island besties

"To the window....to the wall!"

It's like they know me. 

Don't do it. Don't do it. 

So there's the update. It all feels pretty good. Full disclosure, I'm still struggling with anxiety and pain. Unfortunately, the last 15 surgeries have caught up to me mentally and emotionally. But...I'm really working hard to feel better. My "team" has expanded to include a Psychotherapist (apparently I need to address the last 13 years? But do I? :),  a chronic pain physiotherapist, and a new pain specialist who flies down from Canada. I finally feel like I'm not just a passenger in my life "getting through" each day, but that I'm now steering the bus (maybe a party bus? Ha!). I feel more in control. I have the best support system, so although I know there will be some tough days ahead, I finally feel like I have all the ingredients I need to move forward. I'm so ready for this next phase of my life. 

Cheers!