A new season

 Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while. Full disclosure: I composed a blog post about three weeks ago and it felt very negative. I held off for a few days, contemplating whether or not to hit "publish," and I'm glad that I waited because things improved (they always do). I needed to vent, but the act of simply putting my thoughts in writing was just what I needed, whilst sparing you all from my dramatic anguish. 

I'll get the crappy stuff out of the way first. My left hip is causing me a lot of pain. We knew that another cortisone injection may not be as effective as the first. I fully prepared myself for this, but once the pain hit, it hit hard. All of those negative thoughts and emotions took over, and I slid into a bit of a slump? pity-retreat? (it was longer than a party).  Let's channel The Princess Bride and call it "The Pain Pit of Despair." While I awaited a new MRI, I took anti-inflammatories in attempt to dull the pain, but predictably, that lead to a gastritis flare up with horrible stomach pain for a few days. I'm at the point where I just can't take any oral medication for pain. Everything has some type of damn side effect. It's like an insult to injury - I see your awful hip pain and raise you debilitating stomach pain. Anyway, I spent a few days immersed in my condition, which is not fun. It's lonely. Anyone with a chronic condition will attest to this. Social media doesn't help. The narrative that I was telling myself was: Everyone is living a full life except for you. No one has time for your health bullshit anymore. This disease has robbed you of a "normal" life. You deserve this. You are a loser.

My psychologist suggests that I imagine saying these words to my 5-year-old self. It's effective. I picture little people-pleasing Kirstie with that white-blonde bowl bob who was devastated by anything less than 100% on a spelling test, and I immediately stop because these harsh words would break her. But...then I feel like an asshole for berating a 5-year-old. 

 The good news is, I have this "toolbox" created with years of work with pain psychologists, as well as an app that gets me through some tough days ("Curable" - highly recommend). And, I had a few vent sessions with my mom and Evan (I am SO thankful for Mom and Evan who always love and support me, even when I'm struggling to love myself).  It's hard work to climb your way out of that pit of despair, especially at a time when you don't have the energy and, frankly, don't see the point. But, one day at a time (with a few backward slides), I made it out. 

Aside: someone commented on my toned upper body during these dark days, and I had to bite my tongue from replying, "Yep, working on the shoulders to help me climb out of pain pit of despair." Dark, my friends. Dark. 

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - Westley, The Princess Bride

Interestingly, the MRI revealed that my hip is not as bad as it has me believing. In fact, I would say that the left hip is a bit of a drama queen! Although it looks like the hip of a 70-year-old with advanced osteoarthritis, the gnarly cartilage deformities which make me an anomaly are minimal. My ortho postulates that perhaps this is the stage of my disease before we hit the point of no return. He provided me with options, which is great. I typically don't get options. I could go ahead and get the total hip replacement, but to be honest, I'm not mentally prepared for that right now. When I think of having surgery, the bitter taste of anesthetic fills my mouth and causes me to gag (I told you the left hip is a drama queen!). He suggested a fairy new injection on the market called Arthrosamid. This injection is comprised of a man-made hydrogel, which cushions the joint. Perhaps it will help to protect my cartilage from falling out in chunks? It's worth a SHOT (literally, ba-da-dum). Most of the research is for knees, but hips/knees, what's the diff? (speaking from experience, there is a HUGE difference, but that's cool, I'm open).  This injection will hopefully be available on island by January. In the meantime, I'm going to try a Synvisc injection (lubrication) in an attempt to reduce the pain. Again, none of these things are covered by insurance, so some girls get their Louis for Christmas, while others get prosthetic joints and hip injections. 

I asked my ortho why I would be experiencing so much more pain on a joint that, on MRI, looks much less scary than the other joints did (RIP right knee, left knee, and right hip), and in typical Dr. Alwin fashion, he replied softly, "In medicine 1 plus 1 rarely equals 2." Got it. I know my pain pathways well enough to suspect that my hyperfocus on the pain and negative thoughts were making my brain amplify the pain. 

So, we've got a plan. Great. Moving on...

We've just returned from an excellent trip to the Carolinas! Ev owns a gym in Asheville, NC and in Greenville, SC, so he frequents these locations a few times a year. Ev's Greenville manager, Marley got married in Greenville last weekend, so I had an excuse to tag along on this one! 

I love the Carolinas. Back in the day, Ev briefly played hockey in Charlotte, and we both talked about North Carolina being a location that we would consider settling in one day. From a topographical standpoint, the Carolinas have a bit of everything! You've got the coast and the beaches, mountain ranges, beautiful lakes, waterfalls, and temperate weather (TYPICALLY). I've expressed that in ALL CAPS because if you've followed our adventures, you'll know that Ev and I historically vacation in unprecedented weather. Nothing about our vacations is ever "typical." We've experienced Florida's coldest Christmas in 50 years, as well as California's historic Maverick waves that closed the coastal highway. So, when the temperature dropped from a balmy 72 degrees to 25 degrees in 24-hours, we weren't all that surprised. We were, however, a little surprised when it began snowing during our Brevard, NC road trip. I take full responsibility for this, as I was recently complaining about missing seasonal changes in Cayman. I find that when I'm stuck in a rut, the lack of weather/environment changes in Cayman seem to contribute to that feeling of "stuckness." Well guess what? We got seasons on this trip, baby! Fall (beautiful and picturesque Hallmark-quality), winter (even the addition of snow and icy roads), and a touch of Spring (watch that snow melt in 2 hours). All in a mere 5 days. Incredible! I see you, Mother Nature!

I was a bit nervous about attending Marley's wedding, as I only knew the bride, groom, and a few other guests. But it was a super fun wedding, and everyone was very friendly and welcoming!

When people ask me what Evan does for a living, I often struggle to summarize his occupation. He owns and runs 3 gyms remotely, and consults with gyms across North America, but I rarely get to see him in action (when he was goalie, I had a front row seats!)  I joke that it must be weird when gym members hear that the owner lives in the Cayman Islands. It sounds sketch, and as a gym member, I might assume that the owner might be a money laundering ass?  (Also, what exactly is money laundering and why aren't we doing it?) So, I am always happy when Ev receives so much positive feedback from gym members meeting him for the first time.

It was really cool to be approached by gym members at Marley's wedding who stopped by to introduce themselves and commend Evan on the community that he's helped to create from afar. Ev's teams at all gym locations are comprised of really good people, and I know that Ev has worked very hard to recruit and create these teams. In turn, the members that these teams attract are comprised of really good people. At the risk of husband-bragging (I'm always happy to be on the receiving end of kid-bragging, so give me 2 minutes 😉), I'm in awe of Evan's ability to have this vision, create this vision, and see it through from thousands of miles away. It's not lost on me that he has some very specialized skills.  (Not JUST an incredible butterfly save!) Although I'm always proud to stand beside him, I was incredibly proud to be by his side at the wedding, where I was able to meet the Madabolic community and hear the stories of those whose lives his gyms have changed. Evan is admired and respected by so many, and I will always be his biggest fan. (That concludes my husband-bragging). 

And guess what? Evan even danced at the wedding (well, shuffled his feet kinda to the beat of the music with a few enthusiastic-ish fist pumps. Ha!). I've never been to a wedding where each and every single guest was on that dance floor. How awesome is that? Thank you to Tom and Marley for including us in such a fun, inspiring event. You are both such good people and that was evident by your incredible support system!

Aside: One friendly woman approached me and asked, "You live in the Cayman Islands?? Do you like swim with stingrays every day?" to which I replied, "Only on Fridays!" (Bahaha, I'd like to thank that 2nd glass of champagne for the confidence to engage in witty banter with strangers). 

After the wedding in Greenville, we decided that 25 degrees (-7 degrees Celsius) was perfect waterfall hiking temperature! BRRRRRR! So, we took a road trip to Lake Toxoway, near a cute little mountain town called Brevard in North Carolina. Honestly, although we did not have proper clothing for these temperatures, I secretly enjoyed snuggling under a warm blanket by the crackling fireplace. Cozy. I've had my fill of winter now. See you in a few years!

Overall, we had an excellent time, and it was so awesome to meet so many great people and enjoy a few days on our own adventuring. We love a good road trip.

Well folks, that's all from here. 

Cheers to seasons. If you didn't fully catch the metaphor, like the seasons, everything is temporary - those dark days will eventually brighten up. Hang in there.