Hi Friends,
Okay, I'm going to compare myself to a Disney princess, because truth be told, I always wanted to be a princess (in retrospect, I'd be a terrible princess), so here it goes:
As the clock struck midnight, my majestic horse-drawn carriage transformed back into a mango, my stallion morphed into my special dog with attachment issues, my footman transitioned back to my blind bitey cat, my beautiful iridescent gown converted into athleisure wear, and my glass slippers vanished, leaving a pair of orthopedic shoes in their place.
A bit dramatic, right? Actually, that doesn't sound so bad - kinda comfy. That metaphor was a fail.
What I'm trying today say is, the honeymoon phase of my recovery came to an abrupt end. About a month ago, I was cleaning out Stevie's litter box, when I failed to return to a vertical position. Since then, pain has been shooting down my left groin and lower back. I bend over and then something abruptly stops me from standing up straight. That something, it would seem, is another shitty hip.
You guys, I've been through this brutal cycle of pain, acute pain, surgery, recovery, chronic pain, acute pain, surgery, etc, etc for about 14 years now. Like I'm not stranger to it, yet does it get any easier? NOPE. UGH.
I knew that the left hip was failing but was relishing in this magical period of time where I felt little to no pain - sleeping through a night without waking up in pain was so so good. The surgeon theorized that my new strong hip would take the weight off my shitty hip and give me more time. Well, it was an incredible run of about 2.5 months. During that run, I appreciated life like I've never appreciated it before. It was an extended glimmer. It felt like my senses were enhanced. I saw life through a glimmer filter. I inhaled wonderful smells more deeply, my freshly washed sheets felt extra smooth on my skin, the birds sounded chirpier on my morning walks, and even plain tap water tasted icier and more refreshing from my "Ms. Kirstie" Stanley. I felt joy from seemingly routine everyday events. My speech therapy sessions were on point. I literally walked out of sessions, thinking "Boom! I rocked that." My workouts at the gym felt amazing - I was doing real "gym things" instead of physio exercises. I blasted Bif Naked, "I love myself today," as I cruised to the grocery store with my windows down. I questioned if most people ever get an opportunity like this - like a comeback high after things have been low for an extended period of time? Do other people get glimmer months like this? It felt like a gift. I'm really thankful for those few months.
However, I've since re-entered the pain cycle and am currently seeking the next steps in the shitty hip saga. Basically, the left hip has moderate-to-severe cartilage damage, less damage than the right hip had when I went in for the total hip replacement. So, it's not yet ready, or eligible under insurance, for termination. We have a unique window to try some therapeutic techniques that we've never been able to try before, given that my other joints have always been identified as issues only once they've hit the point of no return. So...yay??! To add insult to injury (literally), my hip flexor and rectus femoris (that sounds like a naughty muscle) on my new hip side are screaming out for help, but guess what? That shitty right knee ain't helping, nor is the left shitty hip. You are on your own, kids! Good luck.
I met with Dr. Alwin, the surgeon who replaced my right hip and he suggested that we inject the shit out of it. I mean, he would never use the word "shit" because he's a very quiet and reserved man, but when he talked about injecting it with PRP, hyaluronic acid, and possibly cortisone, I heard, "LET'S INJECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT!" (It feels more dramatic, like an exciting sci fi movie with Sigourney Weaver).
For those of you who aren't familiar with PRP, it stands for Platelet Rich Plasma. They draw your own blood, spin it in a centrifuge to concentrate platelets and then inject it back into the affected area. The theory, in my situation, is that it may help alleviate pain and slow down the rate of my disease process - buy me more time before a total hip replacement is the only option. Hyaluronic acid acts as a lubricant for the joint, helping to reduce joint friction; hence pain. I think most people are familiar with cortisone. These injections consist of corticosteroids and are injected directly into the joint to provide effective pain relief. There is increasing evidence that cortisone injections can cause increased cartilage damage, causing the joint to deteriorate faster, so that's definitely something to consider.
Given that they don't really know what the hell I have or what is causing my cartilage to degenerate in all of my weight bearing joints, it's a bit of a shot in the dark (see what I did there?), but what do I have to lose (other than about $3200 KYD - approximately $5400 CAD). This is not covered by my insurance, so I have to decide if it's worth it. I can think of a lot of things I'd rather spend the money on, but a part of me feels like I should try the PRP and maybe the hyaluronic acid; otherwise, I'll never know. That being said, I kinda feel like a really old car that requires a lot of maintenance. Like do you shell out the money for the top-of-the-line maintenance costs for a 1970 Buick LaSabre, knowing the engine needs to be replaced soon? Am I a junkyard car that we salvage for parts or am I a classic, distinctive automobile? For those of you who have followed my journey from the beginning, we quickly determined that if I was a racehorse, they would, without question, shoot me.
Aside: for my Canadian friends who have asked me about private health insurance, now that I no longer work for government, I pay for private health insurance. The monthly premium is $1000 KYD ($1700 CAD) - that's $12,000 KYD per year and covers me and Evan). This is considered a "middle ground" plan. Some have inquired whether we pay more because I have a predisposed medical condition, but given that my condition is undiagnosed, we do not. This is what an insurance plan costs when you work in the Cayman private sector. With this coverage, I co-pay for most things. For example, my insurance might cover 80% of my MRI costs, and I pay the additional 20% out of pocket (which amounts to $500 KYD). My insurance covers $50 KYD of each one hour $180 KYD physio appointment (my Canadian physio friends are reading this mouth agape), and doctors' appointments range from $25 to $400, depending on bloodwork, X-rays, etc. I've never waited more than 2 weeks for a specialist appointment, and I have the freedom of choosing my own medical team, and surgery wait time is minimal - which to be honest, is priceless. But there are times when I feel like I'm spending hundreds of dollars a week to meet with medical professionals who aren't entirely sure what to do with me. Like maybe I'd rather just get a pedicure.
I digress.
I'm back in pain management mode, suffering from daily pain that specifically impacts my ability to sit for more than 15-minute intervals. It's also waking me up in the night when I roll over. I struggle to get vertical a few times a week (which can be embarrassing and inconvenient) and am feeling bummed about it all. Each time I'm met with a new medical issue, I feel myself re-entering the cycle of grief. I am a grief cycle expert! I've noticed that I'm spending quite a bit of time in denial the last few times - "Oh, maybe I pulled a muscle" (Hello? Your hip is deteriorating). I also held out on seeking help for a while "I don't need my psych; I have the tools and can do this on my own!" (Dude, go talk to your lady. She makes you feel better). I think I'm moving past denial, given that last week and the upcoming weeks are filled with appointments with my professional team. I'm also experiencing moments of anger. Although I'm thankful for the short stint of fairy tale life, I'm pissed that the glass slipper fell off. I see lots of princesses dancing at the ball, how come I'm stuck hunched over the litter box in a non-vertical position? I always experience some sadness as well. I'm sad that my body is failing me, yet again. I feel sad for myself because I've been through so much and I don't feel like doing this again. I feel sad for Ev. I know it hurts him to see me in pain. Eventually I'll stroll into acceptance - maybe next week. It's exhausting.
Luckily, months ago we booked a weekend getaway - we must have known that we would need a quiet and calm retreat. Last weekend, we flew to Kingston, Jamaica, and enjoyed a chill weekend in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica, at a place we've visited a few times called Strawberry Hill.
Strawberry Hill is this charming, cottage-y type of resort way up high in the Blue Mountains, overlooking the city of Kingston. Bob Marley sought solace here after he survived an attempted assassination in 1976. So, I mean if Bob can recover from a near death by shooting, surely, I can feel calm and peaceful about this new development in my "journey", right? Sure.
Strawberry Hill was exactly what we needed. I inhaled fresh mountain air, sipped wine while listening to three little birds singing from the tree-tops and the reggae music echoing off the hills. Although Ev and I did have some serious discussions about my next plan of attack, we mostly just hung out and felt happy. We explored the area, ate good food, laughed a lot, and enjoyed each other's company. There are still many glimmers in life to experience, despite the pain. So... you know, life is complicated, but it's good.
Now I just need to develop a plan. My goal is to enjoy this summer at Candle Lake, minimizing the pain as much as possible.
Stay tuned for updates on the SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS shotshots SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS (did you sing it in your Lil Jon voice?)
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