I suppose grief is complicated. It would seem that I am moving into a new stage. I still feel the loss of Monty every day. I don't look for him at work anymore, but I still feel a heaviness in my chest when I pass by his desk or his parking spot. That loss is even experienced at night when I am dreaming. I find myself wandering aimlessly in my dreams looking for someone - I don't know who, but I know that he's no longer with me, and I wake up feeling heartbroken. That being said, I am finding it easier to focus during the day, especially at work. It surprises me when I can hear myself laughing with my kids and complaining about the trivial things that I didn't even care enough to think about a month ago.
This past weekend we traveled to Little Cayman for our annual dive weekend. This year, our Canada besties, Darren and Allicia Hunter joined us. We've been friends with the Hunters for over 10 years now - everything about them feels familiar and comfortable. We have history. We have taken many vacations together (we even watched Darren break his nose on a blow hole), and practically lived together for about 5 summers! They are family (but the family that you really like! haha). The last time that I saw them was the day after Monty passed. Allicia held me while I cried, but I was so overcome with grief that I never had the opportunity to say a proper goodbye or to thank them for being such incredible friends.
So when I saw their faces for the first time in over two months last week, contentedly sipping margaritas on the beach, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt joy again! That joy extended for the entire time they were here - 6 consecutive bliss-filled days! Our island besties joined us, and together as a group, seven of us resided in our beautiful rental house on the beach in Little Cayman. We experienced fabulous dives on the renowned Bloody Bay wall, sipped cocktails while floating on inflatable avocados, ate delicious meals together, and even created our own alcohol-infused dance party on the last night of our stay (sorry knees! 😬).
It was just an incredible weekend filled with so much laughter with wonderful friends. I did think about Monty. Instead of feeling sadness and loss; however, I felt a great appreciation for the friends that I had with me. Monty and I had so many good times together and it never once occurred to me that those times would come to an end. I guess now I find myself more grateful for these experiences with my buds. I feel as though I need to soak up my friends with a sponge, and ensure that they know just how much I love and appreciate them. I also feel fearful that someday I will lose them as well.
So...I did allow myself to feel that guilt for a little bit...guilt about moving on, feeling happiness, and laughing without Monty. It's a strange thing to experience 2 opposing feelings at the same time. Then last night I had a vivid dream and Monty was actually there. He even smelled like Monty! We hugged. I told him how much I missed him. He told me that he missed me too. He told me that he missed all of us. He told me that he was really busy and working really hard. We goofed around a bit like we used to do in the office, he laughed his Monty laugh, and then he disappeared. Instead of waking up and feeling heartbroken, my heart felt full and I felt so grateful to have spent some time with my bud again.
I know there isn't a prescribed path to follow when you lose someone who means so much to you, so I guess I will just allow myself to feel what I feel and be Ok with that.
Cheers to good friends and great adventures!
