Thursday, August 27, 2015

"Is that a tasmanian devil?" "No, sir, that's my cat."

Here's an idea for a new reality TV series:

It's called:  "Can you make it  - without hating each other's face?"

Plot: Find a newly dating couple who is fresh, enthusiastic, and "in love." Are they ready for marriage? Let's all watch and find out!

Give them a 22 pound cat and a 25 pound dog to carry in little boxes. Give them 4 overweight suitcases packed full of Tim Horton's tea leaves, which will eventually spill all over their clothing. Injure one individual in the couple - let's say, for example, a little knee injury.

Challenge: Fly as passengers on American Airlines from 5am until 9pm. Give the couple two very tight connections in Toronto and Miami. Ensure the customs line in Toronto is out the door. Cue a scene where one member of couple is running to the gate with cat and dog in hands, belt dangling around neck (no time to re-clothe after security!), whilst pushing other member of couple in a wheel chair, who is stating, in a frenzy, "Our flight is boarding NOW!"

Do not let the couple eat anything during the entire journey. Cue a temper tantrum by the angry cat in Miami. Ensure that the cat is making very loud, distracting and tortuous noises that cause the other airport passengers to glare in disbelief. In Miami, create a "couple challenge" for dramatic effect. For example, when one member of the couple takes the dog to the airport doggie park to pee, ensure security will not let the dog and the individual back into the airport, inaccurately stating that the dog's plane ticket has not been paid in full.

Cue scene where there is frantic texting between the couple,

"What can I do to help? I'm in the boarding area with the cat. He is freaking out. He just tried to escape out of his box. My knee won't make it all the way to security with this spazzing cat!"

"Take a picture of the receipt and text it to me."

"My phone is going to die soon."

"They are insisting that I pay $250!"

"I can't find the receipt. There are 50 pages of paperwork here, but no receipt! Our plane boards in 10 minutes!"

"K. I will pay and meet you on plane."

"Good luck. My phone is at 3% Shit! The cat just escaped."

Once the couple and the pets safely board the plane, wallets empty from paying off security, cue a mechanical issue with the airplane, causing the plane to sit motionless on the tarmac for at least an hour. Cue crying child in seat behind the couple. Cue frantic barking by dog in little box.

There. Can the couple make it through these tortuous 15 hours with no sleep, no food, and only their friendship and love for each other to keep them sane? If the couple survives without hating each other's face, cue an instant wedding - they will be fine. If not, sayonara - you are not cut out for marriage. Better luck next time.

PS: Evan and I made it back to our little paradise. Dundee and Biloxi, although tattered and emotionally scarred, are doing fine. Evan and I still love each other - heck, we even LIKE each other! The knees are holding up very well, and Evan is back to sweating profusely each and every time he so much as lifts his baby finger. I started back at work and, man, was it ever awesome to see so many smiling faces and dish out "hello hugs" after a few months away. I forgot just how beautiful (and HOT!) this sweet little island really is. I've already taken out one suicidal chicken with our car and shamelessly used my knee brace to narrowly escape a ticket, "Sir, I know my car registration is overdue but look, I just had knee surgery," (hiking up skirt to reveal horrid brace). Haha!

Although my heart still hurts from so many goodbyes, I feel pretty good. Life is good.


Biloxi: BEFORE - Angry

Biloxi: AFTER - blissful

Dundee: BEFORE - petrified

Dundee: AFTER - elated
Knees: BEFORE - confined

Knees: AFTER: free!
First morning tea on the beach - thank goodness some of the Timmy's survived the trip!

Ev and Dundee on a sunset stroll

Thursday, August 20, 2015

I'm not crying, my eyes are just really watery this week

I'm not much of a public crier. I mean, no one really wants to cry in public, but it happens. I didn't cry at my graduation. I didn't cry at my wedding. I seldom cry at funerals. Babies do not bring tears to my eyes, nor do cute little puppies. It's not that I'm a stone cold heartless woman, it's just that I prefer to do my crying in private. Typically, I give myself a day. One day. I might just sit in the bathroom and let it all out. All the tears that I've bottled up over the course of a few weeks, or maybe a few months are given permission to flow freely. Once my time clock runs out, it's done. The crying is over. There. Better. This was always my preferred method of dealing with my feeling(s). Since "knee-gate" in 2012; however, things have changed. I'm not exactly sure why, but it all began when Dr. M explained my diagnosis and prognosis to me in his office one day, over 3 years ago. The floodgates opened, I ugly cried years of salty tears all over his lovely desk, as he desperately searched for kleenex, and I've never been the same since (and Dr. M will never forget to equip his desk with kleenex). And it's getting worse. With each passing year, and the experience of additional surgeries and continuous goodbyes, I'm morphing into this soft, mushy, sentimental, touchy-feely kinda person. Icky.

As we pack our things and say good-bye (for now), I have been kinda an emotional mess. Mother Nature has also timed things perfectly, ensuring that my estrogen levels are at an all time low in order to sabotage my ability to handle things in a rational manner. Screw you, Mother Nature, and your "lady cycle."

These are things that have made me cry in the last few days:

1) Sarah McLachlan: "I will remember you" has played on Songza numerous times while I have been driving. Are you kidding me, Songza? Is this playlist specifically created for: "Stabbing yourself with your keys while you're driving"?  I snivelled away as she sang, "Weep not for the memories." Sarah McLachlan, you, your sappy music, and your sad puppy infomercials are evil (but quite touching as well - keep up the good work).

2) Dr. M's office: To be fair, I'm 99.9% confident that there is tear gas leaking through the vents in that office. Is it a coincidence that my eyes have watered uncontrollably in over half of my appointments in that place? I think not. I'm quite certain that the nerves in my lacrimal glands were stimulated by a chemical weapon, resulting in tears. There's no way that I'm THAT emotional, c'mon! Sorry, Dr. M. I suck. :)

3) Doggie Goodbyes: Yesterday Dundee, our little white Coton de Tulear, had to say goodbye to his best bud, Carter, a 100 lb brown Pit bull. As I attempted to assist in their goodbye, ("Dundee, say goodbye to your buddy. You'll see him next summer"), my eyes welled up with tears and I exclaimed, "Evan, this is so sad! Their faces are just so sad!" to which Ev replied, "Their faces always look like that. They are expressionless, Kirstie!" Ugh. Heartbreaking. I feel personally responsible for ripping apart this deep doggie friendship. (FYI: The dogs suck at Skyping. Dundee can see Carter, but Carter can't see Dundee. Dundee cries and Carter runs to every window looking for Dundee. Incredibly painful to watch. Sigh).

Is this their "sad" face or their "happy" face? Who knows. 

4) Evan asking, "Are you OK?": After 19 years as best buddies, Ev's ability to detect a looming Kirstie breakdown is pretty darn accurate. As Evan and I discussed the list of "to-do's" before departure, I believed that I was  presenting myself as stable and self-assured.  Evan suddenly interrupted me with, "Are you OK, Kirst?" Dammit. Ummmm. Well…."NOOOOOOO!" Ugh. Cue the tears. Cue the Evan hug. Seriously, Kirstie, pull yourself together, girl!

So anyway, I'm not too proud to admit that I'm pretty sucky this week, but it is for good reason. Yes, I will very much miss my friends and family, and the life that we love and live during our summers at Candle Lake. But we will be back again next summer, my friends and family will visit if they can, and life will carry on. I'm also looking forward to returning back to our "other" life on the island. I'm feeling much better and ready to get back to work and our regular island routine. How lucky are we to have two worlds with wonderful people supporting us in both! I think my emotions become stirred when I reflect back on the last 8 months - the most difficult 8 months that Evan and I have endured in our 19 years together, and I realize just how much our friends and family love us. They stepped up, took control,  and cared for us when we were unable and too exhausted to do it on our own. I was at a point where I couldn't give anything back, yet my friends and family persisted, cheering me on,  offering support, loving and caring for me unconditionally. It's amazing how one text, one phone call, one visit, brightened some of my darkest days. We have an incredible team of peops who love us to the end of the Earth, and that makes me bawl like a baby with gratitude. (Cue Sarah's "...Weep not for the memories.")

Cheers friends! Look out Cayman, the Lindsays are comin' for you on Friday!

PS: After extensive drug-testing, intense interrogation, and comprehensive criminal record checks, the animals have clearance to cross the Cayman border! whoohoo! (Luckily Biloxi's "Heathrow catnip misunderstanding of 2003" has been forgiven) hehe :)